Tweeky Clothespin

Ever do that thing where, when signing up for something at a store or online, you use a false name? Matt sure does and it ends up with hilarious results.

Apparently, Stevens Henager College will accept anyone. Even if you have a crazy name and never actually applied.

The Kimball Elves

Some may say that the Kimball's can't dance.  But, I think that this video proves otherwise.

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/F4psHeld2vL0FaX1

How to Sleep at Your Desk

I wrote this for funsies whilst working hard yesterday. This is a simple tutorial on how to sleep at your desk. This is an art that was thought lost but has recently been revived. Once skilled in the art of sleeping at your desk, you will be able to move on to greater locations like: sleeping at the lunch table, sleeping in meetings, and sleeping while walking.
Use the following guide to successfully sleep at your desk:

The Chair

First, you must have a comfortable chair. Folding chairs are unacceptable. Only the truly sloth can sleep in a metal, folding chair. Once you have obtained a chair, make sure it has the following qualities:

• Recline: The chair must have maximum recline, to the point of almost lying down.
• Cushion: The chair must have cushion. If necessary, mass cushions stolen from the office couch in order to ensure comfort in your chair.
• Back Support: Make sure your chair has proper back support with a high back. This will keep you from falling back and out of your chair once asleep.

Foot Rest

It is important to place your body in a situation that is most similar to lying down, hence the need for a foot rest. The following are examples of acceptable footrests, but get creative in your options

• Computer: You can place your tower under your desk and rest your feet on top. This both warms your feet and provides an ample resting spot.
• Box: Any stray box that you have around the office can serve as a foot rest, but be sure the box is full so that your feet don't break straight through.
• Footstool: You can also use a foot stool if you care to bring one in from home. But, if you are a tall person, you most likely don't own a footstool.
• Midget: You can always hire a midget, dwarf, or elf to be your minion and hold your feet up for you underneath your desk.

Remove Shoes

To obtain true comfort, you must remove your shoes. If you have a foot issue, here are some solutions:

• Wear socks: Warmth and protection.
• Blanket: Drape a blanket over your legs and feet.
• Forcefield: Learn the dark arts and conjure a forcefield around your bare feet to keep them warm and comfy.

Prop Head

There are multiple ways you can go about propping up your head in order to sleep at your desk. If you are truly skilled, you will find that your head won't need anything to prop it up, but will stay up on it's very own. Be careful with this though, many a keyboard face has happened from improper head propage. To prop your head:

• Rest Head on Hand: Must have strong wrists and rings must be removed from fingers first.
• Rest Head on Back of Chair: This only works with high back chairs.
• Shoulder Stick: Fashion a shoulder stick that you can rest your head upon and claim that you have a spinal condition that requires you to wear the shoulder stick.

Look Busy

This is perhaps the most important aspect of sleeping at your desk. You MUST look busy. Here are some ways to do this:

• Keep Hand on Mouse: Keep one hand on the mouse and occasionally flinch in your sleep to keep your screensaver from coming up.
• Hold Pen in Hand: Hold a pen in your hand and have it poised to paper.
• Hold Sheet of Paper in Front of Face: Remember that the paper must have actual work on it for this to be viable.
• Make a Deal with Neighbor: Bribe your neighbor with snacks or money to occasionally talk to you about work stuff when the boss comes by. This makes it seem like you are actively participating.

Simpsonized!

I Simpsonized Matt and I today. I think that we make a very pleasant looking yellow couple. Plus, Matt comes with drinks. How cool is that?

If you would like to Simpsonize yourself, visit, simpsonizeme.com

Of course, the resemblence cannot be exact because we are not yellow and stuff. But I think that the gist is there. I think that Matt's is a little more accurate than mine.

Now that I've been simpsonized, I'm totally ready for the movie.

I'm Just Sayin'!

So, puzzle me this Riddler...

I'm more than slightly annoyed as of late because of an individual that I formerly dated. This individual recently found out that I am engaged and decided to take the initiative to leave me a letter. This letter (nine pages single spaced, left on my car) entailed many things, as proven by the length, with the underlying point that the individual loves me, misses me and always hoped that my relationship with Matt was a rebound relationship and how do I feel about all this? And I'm just wondering, who the heck does that?!? Who writes an old flame and professes their undying love AFTER finding out that said flame is engaged! I would have to say that an engagement indicates a very big permanentness! What would prompt someone to think that I even care about them when I've got someone that I obviously love and want to marry? Absolute insanity if you ask me! Plus, really annoying!

Additionally, I am apparently being watched by this person. Inadvertently and supposedly unintentionally (according to the letter), but the individual is noticing when Matt and I come and leave my apartment and went to my graduation to watch me. That just gives me the freakin' hibbie jibbies! Now, I feel like I am being watched whenever I arrive at or leave my apartment! This morning I left my apartment to go to work and right when I stepped off my stairwell, I hear a car alarm or a car horn or some car noise, which I ignore until I get in my car, and then I look (discreetly) and it is the individual outside of their car. This occurs conveniently at the same time that I leave my apartment and the individual's car conveniently makes a noise right as I am in a position to look at the source of the noise! This is just too coincidental for me not to believe that it was not to draw my attention or to watch me more thoroughly! Or, maybe I am really conceited and think that everything revolves around me, but I can't help but think that I am being watched by the individual after I was told that I was being watched. I'm just sayin'!

Why is it that I always seem to get the crazy stalkerish exes? Do I have some sort of sign on me that says, "I'm easily manipulated, stalk me now!" because if I do, I would think that someone would let me know. Lisa, you know that it is your job to take care of me and tell me when I have toilet paper stuck to my foot, so I would think that you would let me know on this one. You are surely slacking your duties. Being stalked once, maybe twice is funny, but after that it just gets excessive! I don't understand the logic in it all. And, if you are stalking someone, you would think that you would want to keep it a bit more of a secret!

So, because the really long letter made me angry and annoyed and creeped out, I burned it and am choosing to ignore it and the sender despite the letter's plead for a response. If excessive ignorance doesn't do the job then I don't know what it is that I will do. I just want to marry Matt and be happy and be left alone and forget the stupidity of my past love interest choices. I just wish that I didn't feel like I was being watched and I really really can't wait to move! Luckily, I have Matt, who acts as my protector, confidant, best friend and husband to be.

So, again, I thank Justin for being one of the more sane people that I formerly dated. That Justin is just good people. He can lift a car you know.

How to Be Persuasive

What Is Persuasion?

Persuasion is the act of getting a sentient being other than yourself to adopt a particular belief or pursue a particular action. This tutorial will teach you how to excel at doing just that. Our examples will assume a variety of different specific circumstances, but the principles we present will be applicable in a myriad of situations. Whether you're trying to persuade a pseudo-intellectual that his political beliefs are, in fact, as savory as unwashed socks, or whether you're trying to persuade a vicious dog to please kindly release your coccyx, the techniques of persuasion you must employ are fundamentally the same.

To be persuasive, you must make use of a number of different tactics. The more you can utilize in conjunction with each other, the more persuasive your argument will be. We will start by isolating and identifying each of the different techniques, and then we'll show how they can be used together in a single compelling argument.

Verbal Techniques
As debating is primarily a verbal undertaking, most of the techniques you will need are verbal in nature. We'll start with those, then look at how you can polish off your style with other types of techniques.

Stubbornness
The cornerstone of good persuasive arguing is stubbornness. You must never, under any circumstances, concede that your opponent might ever possibly be right. Openmindedness has led to the downfall of many great debaters. If you find yourself doubting the correctness of your position, don't let it show. Repeat to yourself, "I am right. I am right." If you can't convince yourself that you're right, you'll never convince others that they're wrong. Here is an example of the use of stubbornness in a debate:

· You: "The moon is made of cheese."
· Opponent: "Umm. It's a proven fact that the moon is NOT made of cheese."
· You: "The moon is made of cheese."
· Opponent: "Ok, look, I have a piece of moon ROCK at my house. It is not made of cheese. It is made of ROCK."
· You: "The moon is made of cheese."
· Opponent: "No, it isn't. We've sent ships to the moon. People landed on it. They looked at it. They said it was made of ROCK. They brought back ROCK. It is made out of ROCK."
· You: "The moon is made of cheese."

Strategic Compromise
Compromise would seem to be prohibited by the previous tip about stubbornness,
but it's not, because you should only use compromise as a diversionary tactic. Don't ever compromise your main point. But if you introduce points you don't even care about, then compromise on them later, you can often trick your opponent into conceding. For example:

· You: "We should go out to eat tonight."
· Opponent: "But we ate out last night, and we need to save our money."
· You: "I don't care. We should go out to eat tonight, and then we'll treat ourselves and all of our neighbors to a Broadway play."
· Opponent: "But that would cost a fortune!"
· You: "Yeah, I suppose you're right. Gosh, that would run hundreds of dollars, wouldn't it?"
· Opponent: "Yes, it would."
· You: "Ok, just dinner it is, then."

Big Words
Use of big words is persuasive several times over. They make you look all smart and other people look all stupid; hence, your argument becomes the more compelling. Furthermore, use of big words means you'll talk longer, and usually whoever talks the most is the most convincing. "Wow, look at all he has to say about this," people will say to themselves as they observe you making a protracted argument. "He must know a lot about this subject."
By way of example, compare the persuasiveness of the following two statements:

· "Hockey is better than football."
· "You are the manifest profusion of delusional ideology incarnate if you do not fulminate against the institution of football with great superciliousness and promulgate the preeminence of hockey."

Forgetfulness
Forgetfulness is a powerful debating tool. You must use this tool wisely, because it can be a devastating weapon in your fight against ignorance. Here is what you should do: in the middle of your argument, forget what you're talking about. This may sound counterproductive, but by forgetting your point you show the person you're debating with that he is so utterly wrong, it's not worth the trouble to follow the course of the conversation. For example:

· You: "Virginia has never produced any good presidents."
· Opponent: "Yes it has. Actually, most of our better presidents came from Virginia."
· You: "But that's exactly what I'm saying...I think...I dunno...I forgot."
· Opponent: "So we agree?"
· You: "Yup. I'm right."

Interruption
Talk relentlessly, especially when your opponent is also trying to talk. Interrupt constantly. If you never give your opposition a chance to give the other side, you win by default.

· Opponent: "Australia seems like a cool place to visit."
· You: "What? How can you say that? Australia is too hot! You'll die of thirst! And there are diseases and wild dogs--"
· Opponent: "But--"
· You: "--and you can't see the ground because there are so many snakes and spiders, and they are ALL DEADLY. But that's ok, because the jet lag will be so extreme that you'll spend your entire vacation sleeping in the hotel room, which will probably smell and have deadly spiders crawling--"
· Opponent: "No--"
· You: "--around it, and plus everybody talks funny, and they're all CRAZY. Have you SEEN 'The Crocodile Hunter'? The hole in the ozone down there gives them all brain cancer--"
· Opponent: "B--"
· You: "--and they all get tumors which drive them insane!"
· Opponent: "..."
· You: "..."
· Opponent: "..."
· You: "..."
· Opponent: "Well--"
· You: "And furthermore, they're all criminals! Australia is just one big country-sized maximum security prison for thieves and murderers! I can't believe..."

Lies
Facts might be the best way to substantiate an argument, but lies are the next best thing. If the facts don't prove your point, make some up.

There are varying degrees of lies. A "fib" is a small exaggeration of the truth. A "hyperbole" is a larger exaggeration of the truth. A "lie" is a statement that has nothing whatsoever to do with the truth. A "big lie" is not only blatantly untrue but will cause your great grandmother to roll over in her grave with shame. The big lie is normally the way to go.

· You: "Dogs are better than cats."
· Opponent: "I prefer cats."
· You: "But cats eat babies! They dig their rabid muzzles into infants' chests and rip their kidneys out!"
· Opponent: "No they don't!"
· You: "They do! And they killed my great grandmother! Twice!"

Rhymes
No persuasive argument would be complete without a little rhyming. Not only does it make you sound clever, but, when used correctly, it can make your opponent sound ignorant. To employ this amazing persuasive tool, you take one of your opponent's points and make up a nonsensical rhyming word to go with it. This tactic has no known refutation.

· You: "There are no people on this planet that do not believe in democracy."
· Opponent: "Yes there are. They're called communists."
· You: "Communists schmommunists!"
· Opponent: "..."

Taunting
Taunting is a crucial element of a persuasive argument. The purpose of taunting your opponent is to intimidate him into submission.

· You: "Modern art is stupid, and Picasso was a loser."
· Opponent: "I disagree strongly. Picasso was a visionary genius."
· You: "Nyah nyah nyah."
· Opponent: "Er, well, I am entitled to my opinion."
· You: "Bring it on!!"

Random Comments
The interjection of random comments is a useful diversionary tactic. Although the best way to win an argument is for your opponents to concede the debate to you, this last ditch effort can be used in an emergency to secure a secondary victory by disorienting your opponents so much they don't know how to proceed. This tactic has the side benefit of presenting yourself as knowledgeable on a wide range of subjects, so observers are bound to be impressed by your breadth of expertise.

· You: "School lunches suck."
· Opponent: "Despite the taste, school lunches are, in actuality, very nutritional."
· You: "On the contrary! Mahogany is one of Honduras' primary lumber exports."
· Opponent: "Mahogany? Honduras? This has nothing to do with school lunches!"
· You: "Yeah, well, I could beat you at arm wrestling!"
· Opponent: "What does-- But-- You--"

"Clearly"
When in doubt, say "clearly." It may not be clear, but your opposition doesn't know that. By offhandedly suggesting that a particular train of thought is obvious to you, you will come across as a daunting force of intelligence difficult to reckon with.

· Opponent: "I don't see how you can say clothing is immoral."
· You: "Clothing was invented as a means of concealing immorality. Anyone wearing clothing is clearly doing so for the same reason."
· Opponent: "No, people wear clothing for a number of reasons. To stay warm, for example."
· You: "Clearly, these reasons are rationalizations made up after the fact."

Subliminal Messages
Subliminal messages are important components of a persuasive argument. Why? Because subliminal messages cannot be argued. If your opponent doesn't know you are suggesting things to his subconscious mind, what possible rebuttal can he have? Convey subliminal messages by whispering under your breath quietly enough so that your opponent does not consciously hear.

· Opponent: "I'm afraid you'll have to come with me."
· You: "These aren't the droids you're looking for."

The Last Word
Above all, you must get the last word. Getting the last word in an argument is terribly important, because it means everyone listening to the argument -- both those involved and those observing -- will leave with the last word as the dominant memory of the debate. If you have the last word, that means your side will be the most remembered. For example:

· You: "Paper does not come from trees."
· Opponent: "Yes it does. My father works in a paper mill. I have personally observed the process by which lumber is processed and turned into paper. These four books I have here describe this procedure in minute detail."

This certainly looks like an argument you've lost, doesn't it? But consider how much stronger a case you make for yourself with this slight modification:

· You: "Paper does not come from trees."
· Opponent: "Yes it does. My father works in a paper mill. I have personally observed the process by which lumber is processed and turned into paper. These four books I have here describe this procedure in minute detail."
· You: "Nuh-uh."

Name Calling
Name calling is an efficient way of pointing out your opponents' weaknesses and call into question the authority with which they dispute your position. By encouraging your opponents to doubt their competence, you can undermine a contrary argument from the inside. For example:

· You: "I believe all short people should be beaten with rocks until they bleed."
· Opponent: "I think that's a very horrible and malicious idea."
· You: "Well, you're fat! Fatty fat doo doo head!"
· Opponent: (sobs)

Yelling
Yelling is one of the most instinctive and exciting methods of getting your point across. It is also very effective. When you yell, you gain people's respect and awe. The louder you yell, the more respect you incur. When yelling, remember three rules:

1. Be loud loud loud. If you aren't loud, you aren't yelling.
2. Accompany your yelling with eye bulging. The further out of your head your eyes bulge, the more effective the yell.
3. Turn red. Red is a color of power. The redder you get, the more power you have. Observe the logo for this tutorial, at the top of this page. Notice how compelling the 'a' is, because it is red? The other letters are quiescent and relatively nondescript. But you wouldn't want to tangle with that 'a', would you?

Witness the following use of the yelling tactic:
· You: "Canada is a stupid country."
· Opponent: "Canada is a fine country that has made many contributions to the world in the areas of economics, cuisine, and the arts."
· You: "No it isn't!!!! Canada is lame!!!!!"
· Opponent: "That's a totally unsubstantiated opinion."
· You: "SHUT UP!!! CANADA IS A STUPID COUNTRY!!!! STUPID!!! STUPID!!! CANADA SUCKS LIKE A VACUUM!!!! BAD!!!! BAD CANADA!!! BAD!!! BAD!!!"

Swearing
Swearing is absolutely crucial if you want to convince someone of something. Swearing is a sign of great articulation, vocabulary, and bravado. By swearing, you can demonstrate that you are mature, for you understand mature concepts, and that you are daring enough to thwart the oppression of social convention.

· You: "**** you, man! ****** Canada is a **** ******* *** of a ***** country!!!!"
· Opponent: "Can you tone it down a bit? And Canada is a very important nation."
· You: "***** *** * ***** ******** ******, MAN!!!! ******!!!!"
· Opponent: "Could you please watch your language?"
· You: "Oh, so **** you too, ****, you just go **** ****** *** **** your ***** *** ****** **** ***** **** *******!!!!! **************!!!"

Physical Techniques
Even the most solidly constructed verbal arguments can crumble if your physical stature is not imposing enough to back it up. Here we will discuss how you can use body language to support your arguments.

Flailing Arms
The flailing arms strategy is used to express surprise and to reinforce your arguments. It's very hard to disagree with someone who waves his arms in confidence. For example:

· Opponent: "Water is very important. You need to drink it to survive."
· You: (waving arms wildly) "Water is poisonous!"
· Opponent: "Whatever you say man, just please, don't hurt me!"

Being Tall
Physical stature is an important intimidation tool. Your opponent is more likely to concede an argument if you appear to be bigger than he is. Shortness is associated with children, who are dumb, while tallness is associated with authority figures who know better. Consequently, you should never debate someone at anything less than eye level. If your opponent is sitting, stand. If your opponent is standing, stand taller. Wear thick-soled shoes. Stand on tip-toes. Stand on chairs if you have to.

Another effective gesture you can make that increases the power of your presence is to make a fist with one hand and ominously punch the open palm of your other hand.
Here is an example of how physical intimidation can sway the course of a debate:

· Opponent: (sitting) "I love old movies."
· You: (standing up) "Old movies are all boring and stuffy."
· Opponent: (standing up) "That's just because you have no sense of taste. Modern action flicks have dulled your brain."
· You: (standing on tiptoes) "They're boring, and the acting is bad."
· Opponent: (still standing) "On the contrary, Laurence Olivier, for example, is one of the greatest actors of all time. Um, what are you doing?"
· You: (standing on a chair) "Old movies suck, and Laurence Olivier was a poser." (punches palm)
· Opponent: "Uh. Riiiight." (sits down)

Biting
Biting is a last ditch effort. You use this tactic when the other person has been given every opportunity to conform to your opinion and still refuses. It is normally best to go for an important artery or organ. The jugular vein is recommended, as it is located roughly at mouth height.

· You: "I'm right."
· Opponent: "I don't agree. In my opinion, yo--"

Using These Techniques Together
Here is a sample debate that illustrates each of the techniques given above. Notice how, when used in conjunction with one another, you can create an unstoppable argument.

· You: "Our daughter should not be dating."
· Opponent: "Our daughter is mature enough to date, especially if we transport her to and from the restaurant and the movie theater ourselves."
· You: "Our daughter should not be dating."
· Opponent: "She has shown herself to be level-headed, of strong moral character, and very trustworthy."
· You: "Our daughter should not be dating."
· Opponent: "But she's 17 years old!"
· You: "Our daughter should not be dating."
· Opponent: "The guy she wants to date is the boy next door, whom we know is nice and would treat her right."
· You: "Your adjudication is fallible if you do not contraindicate our Y-chromosome deficient offspring commencing to consort with potential inamoratos."
· Opponent: "Huh?"
· You: "Our daughter should not be dating."
· Opponent: "Come now, be reasonable. Don't you see, if we keep her from dating now, what happens next year, when she can date without our permission? She should learn about dating now, while we're here to guide her."
· You: "Well...well.... I tell you, nothing makes me madder than those teachers' unions! They're too powerful! Why, combustion engine emissions are tearing through the ozone layer even as we speak! Oh, what were we just talking about?"
· Opponent: "Our daughter, dating."
· You: "Oh, right. I agree with you. Absolutely out of the question."
· Opponent: "But--"
· You: "BOYS ARE EVIL!! DATES ARE JUST AN OPPORTUNITY FOR A BOY TO CORRUPT OUR DAUGHTER! THEY'LL FIRE SOVIET MISSILES AT HER!! THE KID NEXT DOOR HAS PILES OF THEM IN HIS BASEMENT!!! NEXT TO THE TWELVE WOMEN HE HAS UP IN CHAINS!!!!"
· Opponent: "Good heavens, what are you talk--"
· You: (waving arms wildly) "CLEARLY HE MAKES THEM EAT LIZARDS!!!!! ******! HE **** AND ***** AND MAKES THEM **** ** **** *****!!!!!"
· Opponent: "Gracious! I have never heard you use such language! What is wrong with you? I can't have a discussion when you're like this."
· You: "Discussion schmiscussion!"
· Opponent: "Calm down. And get off that chair."
· You: "Why don't you make me!? Nyah nyah, can't make me! You're a wimpy dimpy loser!"
· Opponent: (crying) "I don't believe you said that."
· You: "You're right. I'm sorry. I don't really think you're a wimpy dimpy loser, and I'll get down from this chair, as long as our daughter isn't allowed to date."
· Opponent: "Thank you. I didn't quite realize you felt so strongly about it. Why don't we let her date just this once and see how it goes, and then--urk...gurgle--"
· You: "Right, then. No dates."

*Note* I did not write this, I am merely passing it along for it is hilarious and I want you all to be good arguers. I don't know who did write this. That is all.*