Missed

So, as a follow up to my totally serious post about Nicole's Aspergers... I'm going to have a totally serious post. Yep, I've had a bad month or so.

A year ago, Matt and I started trying to get pregnant. Every time my baby turns one, there is some magical switch in my hormones that tells me that I need another baby because my baby is no longer a baby. So, Dan turned one a little over a year ago and I got the baby hunger.

But, I quickly discovered that my body was out of whack when I didn't have a period for six months, but I was not pregnant. My body was just all messed up from the birth control that I was on. So, after nine months of trying to get pregnant, I finally decided to give up and stop actively tracking my cycle and my ovulation and just give up for a little while because it was all too stressful. I felt hopeful every month when my cycle wasn't the exact amount of days as the previous month only to be disappointed again. Plus, I had spent way too much money on pregnancy tests and I was tired of seeing that stupid little minus sign.

So, Matt and I decided to just relax about the baby thing and let it happen when and if it was going to happen. And then, in my ten month of trying, I was a couple days late. But, I didn't want to take a pregnancy test because I didn't want to jinx it. I wanted to be very very late before I took the test. So, I waited until I was a week late before I took the test and I didn't tell Matt this time around just in case I was not pregnant again. But, when I took the test, I finally saw that little, magical plus sign. Finally, I was pregnant! I felt so relieved because I worried that there was something really wrong with me and I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again.

This pregnancy seemed different then my other two pregnancies. I wasn't as sick as with my other pregnancies, I was losing weight instead of gaining, and I was getting pregnancy symptoms that I had never had before. It was actually a fairly easy first trimester. I assumed that maybe my body is getting used to being pregnant; this being my third.

But, I felt strangely disconnected from this baby. I didn't feel the instant connection that I felt with Nicole and Dan. I felt worried and often forgot that I was pregnant. I just didn't feel... right. So, I went in to see my brother Norm, who is an ultrasound technician, to have a look at my baby. Oh yeah, I should mention that Matt and I are currently on private insurance, which does not cover any prenatal visits, nor does it cover baby delivery or any woman related checkups. It is pretty crappy insurance, but at least it is something. So, I had no intention of going to the doctor at all for this pregnancy. I figured that I have done this two times before, I can go without doctors visits and just pay the hospital bill when the baby decided to come. So, going to Norm is my only free alternative to checking on the baby as I had no intention to see a doctor.

So, at nine weeks pregnant, I went in to get an ultrasound with a worry in my heart. Just Nicole and I went as Matt was home sleeping off a night of work and Dano was taking a nap. So, Norm started my ultrasound and I could tell right away that the baby, though it looked like a little baby, didn't have the little flutter in it's chest that the heart looks like on the ultra sound. Norm was quiet for a bit while he looked at the baby from all angles and then he confirmed that the baby didn't have a heart beat. The baby gestated to 8 weeks and 3 days and then the little heart stopped.

This baby that I wanted so bad and tried for almost a year for just didn't survive. I felt so sad. Even though I felt like something was different about this pregnancy, it was still shocking to have my fears confirmed. I felt so sad, I felt a loss, and I felt so anxious. I waited a couple of days to see if I would miscarry the baby, but nothing happened, so despite the fact that I knew my insurance wouldn't pay for it, I made an appointment with a doctor. A new doctor in fact, one that was in-network for my new insurance in the hopes that perhaps they might pay for something. The doctor confirmed what we already knew, that the fetus had not survived and that it was a missed miscarriage.

Let me say something about a missed miscarriage. This is when the fetus dies, but your brain does not know that the fetus has died and you still feel pregnant, complete with nausea, exhaustion, headaches, etc... And, subsequently, you do not miscarry. You continue to carry the fetus and it can lead to all sorts of bad. It also royally sucks. I felt so upset that not only could I not keep my baby alive, but I couldn't even miscarry properly. Also, once I found out my baby had not survived, I felt a sudden need to be done. To miscarry and be done and move on and get the fetus out of me. This may sound weird, but I felt this sudden need to not be pregnant any more with a dead baby. I needed it out and I needed this process to be done as soon as possible so that I didn't have to walk around waiting for me to lose my baby. It is a state of constant anxiousness.

So, the doctor recommended a D&C, but I knew that my insurance would not pay for this very expensive procedure which includes paying the hospital, anesthesiologist, doctor, nurses, lab, etc. So, I decided to go the less pleasant and more awful route of taking pills and inducing contractions that would cause a miscarriage. 24 hours, many cramps, many drugs, extreme pain, and only a little bleeding later, I still had not miscarried. This was beyond frustrating, beyond painful (emotionally and physically) and beyond anything that I could handle. So, finally, four days after finding out my baby had died, I went in for a D&C that I knew that we could not pay for. The D&C itself was easy. It was a relief from the pain of 24 hours of contractions, it was a relief from four days of heartache and it was over quite quickly.

And so, my baby is gone. I feel empty, I feel sad, I feel tired, but most of the physical pain has passed. I really really want a third child. I don't feel like our family is complete, but, that baby was not our baby, our baby is yet to come. One of the hardest parts is trying to explain it to Nicole. Nicole is incredibly smart and extremely logical and when I tried to explain to her that the there was no longer a baby in my tummy and we wouldn't be getting a baby for Christmas, she had a hard time understanding. I'm not sure if she gets it entirely. She continues to ask me about the baby in my tummy and I have to remind her that there is no baby in my tummy. When I told her the baby is gone, she said, "Where is it? Is it in your hand? Can I see it?" It is a difficult concept for a four year old.

So, I am taking this time to recover, in my body and emotionally. I will put this in the Lord's hands. If we are meant to have more children, we will. Every trial happens for a reason, so I have to believe that this is another one of the trials that Matt and I have to face. In the mean time, I am going to focus on the two beautiful children that I have and love.

I think I now have told all my bad news. This was the other reason why I haven't been posting. First, I was sick in the first two months of my pregnancy, and then I was recovering from losing the baby so I just didn't feel like posting. When all I had was bad news to tell, I didn't really want to tell any news. But, now it is all out... for now. Because lets face it, bad things will continue to happen in my life, that is just the way life is. But, hopefully, now that I have the weight of the heavy news off my chest, I will be able to post about all the little awesome things going on day to day.

Preggo Comparison 2

Sarah 38 weeks

Marie 38 weeks

Becky 38 weeks with Daniel

One of these things is not like the others.

Preggo Comparison

Marie at 36 weeks

Matt and I at 36 weeks with Nicole

Sarah at 36 weeks

I think it is possible that my sisters are the tiniest pregnant women. Sarah looks less pregnant than Matt. If Sarah does a 38 week pic, you are in for a treat in that comparison.

20 Week Sisters

What the heck? Darn my short waist! Even though I am tall, my waist is really short. I'm all legs baby! Obviously, my sisters take after the Derington side, rather than the Moses side. I got the Moses waist, Moses hair, and the Moses nose. Okay, I don't mind the nose, but the other two! Oh, and I have the Moses flat head. Oh yeah, we have flat heads. It is like a board on the back of my head. My poor kids have flat heads too. Little block heads.

Whatever

So, today I am exactly 39 weeks pregnant. If my doctor was in town, I would be in the hospital having my baby right now. Hospitals allow 2nd time mothers to induce one week prior to their due date. That is how Adrianne had her baby yesterday (attempting to not be jealous). But, since my doctor is on spring break, I must wait until Thursday when she returns.

I really love my doctor. She did great delivering Nicole and she has had six babies of her own, so I know that she knows what she is doing. I want her to be the one to deliver my baby boy. But man am I hating spring break right now. I know that even doctors need a break and she tries really hard to schedule her vacations around her patients. I'm just so heavy and so big and so ready to have this baby.

Today I tried on three shirts until I found one that mostly covers my belly. You know you are too pregnant when most of your maternity shirts no longer cover your belly. Luckily, maternity pants come up past my belly button, so when my shirt doesn't come all the way down, you just see the tummy panel on the pants, not actual belly. That would be gross.

I put on my shoes today and they didn't fit. They were way tight and painful, but they are the biggest shoes that I have, so I wore them anyway. In retrospect, I should have put on flip flops. Darn swollen feet.

It is a good thing I am working from home because I just don't fit into anything right now. I don't think I would have any attire that is work appropriate.

I woke up every two hours last night. This is my body's way of telling me it is time for the baby. Now if only my body would get some contractions to push that baby out! At least I will be on his schedule when he is born.

Okay, I'm ready now... lets go.

Still pregnant

Still preggo, still waiting. But, the good news is that I am now working from home. I don't have to go to work any more.  Yay! No new progress updates because my doctor is out of town until next Thursday when I get induced.

Update

Went to the doctor this morning and I'm at 4cm, but baby boy is still sitting really high. I got my membranes stripped, but it I haven't had any contractions yet. Fine, whatever, never come baby.

38 Weeks

Okay, so I am actually 38 weeks on Monday, but I get excited. I went to the doctor yesterday and I have progressed!  I'm 3cm dilated! And I was so excited about that that I don't remember what my percentage is this time. I was just so happy to have progressed all by my self. With Nicole, I sat at 1cm for weeks with no progress, so the doctor helped me along. Now, I know that a 3 is not much and I could hang at a 3 for a week and a half, but that is okay, I feel accomplished.

My doctor goes out of town next week for a full week, so baby boy better come before Wed. or in a week.

You Betcha!

Do I hate the way I look, you betcha! Is it almost over, you betcha!

Okay, this is embarrassing, but I look bigger with this pregnancy than the last time I did this. I haven't gained more weight, I just look bigger. That is my luck.

Matt and I at 37 weeks with Nicole.

Another belly pic at 37 weeks with Nicole

Me at 37 weeks with baby boy.

Went to the doctor on Friday and despite that I look like I am carrying low and that I feel like I am, the doctor could not feel the baby's head. He was obviously not yet down where he is suppose to be yet. But, I'm dilated to 1cm and am 75% effaced. What does this mean? Absolutely nothing. Baby will come when he comes. Most likely when I induce on the 14th.

Still working, still in pain, still surviving.

Baby Shower!

Momma Kimball and Anne threw me a baby shower on Saturday and it was awesome! Momma Kimball is so creative and made everything look great and taste great. It was a lot of fun!

Kristy decorated this cake for the shower. It turned out so cute! Yummy too.

Super cute M&Ms and truffles with "It's a boy!" on them.

These were a party favor. They are bags of popcorn. Momma Kimball is so creative!

Nicole thinks that this is smiling. She was wild over the M&Ms at the party. She kept asking for more and more.

Nicole also loves the balloons. She is still dragging them around the house. I'm tempted to just pop them and be done because they are driving me crazy!

Momma Kimball and Anne made a bunch of brunch food for the shower. We had yummy quiche, banana bread (made by DJ), Blueberry muffins (Anne), Fruit, and cake. It was a delicious spread.

Nicole and Hailey. Nicole followed Hailey all around the party. They are good friends.

My Marie.

Anne and her baby Olivia.

Olivia is so stinking cute!

Here is my Sarah, and a very pregnant shot of me in the background. Ugh.

Okay, this is a little better of a picture. I look less pregnant.

Matt came home from school and crashed the party. Here he is with Momma Kimball.

Nicole playing.

A ton of people showed up, more than I thought would because this is baby number two, so I assumed that people would think, "What? She already had one baby and I gave her a gift already." But no, a lot of people came. I totally banked on presents for baby boy. Here are some pics of the presents I got. Try to look at the presents and not my pregnant face.

Sarah got me this shark towel and I love it! It is awesome.

I didn't think I would get a bumbo because they are a little more pricey, but I ended up getting two at the shower. Yay! Presents.

I love monster boy clothes!

My Mom got me my crib set and I love it! I wanted a turtle theme and now I have it. But don't take the bedding out of the package unless you never intend on putting it back in. How do they get it all in there?

I got a ton of really cute stuff and a lot of baby clothes, which is what I really needed since I've never had a boy before. Thanks to everyone who were good enough to come and give me presents!

My aunt Kathy, Ree, Sarah, and Hailey

Ree, Sarah, Hailey and Corinne

CarrieAnne, Anne, and Miranda

Momma Kimball and Chris Bacon

Momma Kimball made a game for the shower that everyone seemed to really enjoy. It was quite an interactive game. Momma Kimball passed out papers with celebrity heads on baby bodies. It was super funny. Everyone had to write down who the celebrity was. It got kinda crazy because things were not passed around in an organized fashion, but it was fun to watch. I had already previewed the game, so I didn't play, but I enjoyed watching all the ladies trying to remember the names of celebrities.

I believe that Erin, Jill, and Marie won the game getting all but a couple of the celebrities. Marie was kind enough to give up her prize because we only had two winner prizes. Way to take one for the team Ree.

For the record, I would have done awesome at the game if I had played. I knew all but 4 of the celebrities.

The whole event was awesome and Marie helped me sort baby clothes afterward. This is an essential part to the process. Deciding what to keep and what to return. Mostly, I was able to keep things because people bought clothes in the correct season. It is when the baby clothes are the wrong season that I have to do a lot of exchanges. Luckily, my guests are baby savvy and know this stuff.

Ugh

Contractions when I sit, contractions when I stand, contractions when I walk, and some (but less) contractions when I lie down. Baby boy is moving more than ever. He is not as much of a kicker as Nicole was, but he sure does love to stretch... all the time. I think stretching hurts more than the kicking. But, it is possible that that is because I have a skewed memory of my last pregnancy.

I'm pretty sure that I blocked out this part of the pregnancy where everything hurts and I'm constantly sleep deprived and I can't yet start hoping that the baby will come because it is too soon for the baby to come. In another couple of weeks, I will be able to hope for the arrival of our baby boy, but for now, I just have to endure.

Spring Break!

This week is spring break for Matt. This spring break thing is all new to me. I went to BYU, who does not believe in spring break, so it is a foreign concept. Thus far, it has not been what tv portrays spring break to be. This could be due to the fact that Matt is married, with 1.8 children and is not in Mexico for his spring break.

But, it has been pleasant thus far because we get to spend more time together as a family. Our family time is normally very limited to 2 hours a day and 1.5 days on the weekends. So... Yay, spring break baby!

Technically, Matt has class yesterday and today, but he has opted to not go to class these two days in order to spend time with Nicole and I. I'm celebrating. I love my Matt time.

I know that we will get more time together when the baby comes, but I'm guessing that my six weeks at home will be more devoted to healing and taking care of my newborn baby boy that gallivanting and having fun. Not that I am gallivanting much in my condition right now.

I often feel so exhausted by the time that I am done with work that I just don't want to do anything but put my feet up and read books to my Nicoley or snuggle my Matt. But, I'm doing the best I can to stay mobile and active so that I can work until this baby comes. I fear that if I laze too much, that my body will get complacent and then I won't be physically able to go to work every day.

No big plans in place for spring break right now, but I'm happy for the time together as a family.

5 More Weeks

Went to my baby doctor appointment yesterday. Yesterday was a difficult pregnancy day. Some days are much more difficult than others with the contractions, exhaustion, and pain... everywhere. But, baby boy is doing well. His heartbeat is strong and his kicks are good, so we know he is a healthy growing boy.

Since this is my second baby and because Nicole was a big 'ol baby, I've scheduled an induction date for this little baby boy. April 14th! Yay! Four days before my due date! Now, four days may not seem like a lot, but to me, it is awesome. Now, I feel like I have a deadline, a date when I know my baby will be here. I know that I can do it, I can carry this baby for 5 more weeks. I can make it.

33 Weeks

How is it that I don't remember this part of pregnancy? I think I must have just blocked out this last trimester because sometimes I think, "If it felt this awful last time, why did I decide to do this again?" I can only blame the evil plot of the babies.

Babies are all cute and make you love them and make you forget all that you went through to get them. Curse you cute, lovable babies! And, if you think it is just my own baby that does this, you are wrong! I see other people's babies and get baby hungry and say things like, "Ahhhh, I want another baby." Evil.

33 weeks is... well, painful. I feel like my belly is so heavy that it is trying to tear my muscles and my skin off with it's weight. My heartburn is just so much worse than it usually is. Usually, I can take my pepcid and I'm fine the whole day. Now, heartburn comes with avengence every time I recline my body.

Sleeping is a non-existent thing some nights and I'm exhausted from trying to sleep all night by the time I am getting up for work at 6am (I work at 7am). Not to mention that baby boy likes to squish my bladder, making me get up to use the bathroom 3-5 times a night. And, he thinks that night time is kick momma a lot time. (not kick momma Alot) It is very difficult to sleep when someone is jabbing your insides continually. Try it, it doesn't work.

Plus, I really miss my husband. We are playing tag team this semester. I go to work, then I go and pick up Nicole at the sitter's and Matt is at school until 8pm. Then, we all go to bed at 9:30pm because I'm pregnant and tired. I miss my husband.

Just a bad week this week. I am feeling a little discouraged. I would like to think that next week will be better... but it will probably be worse because this baby is only going to get bigger and I am only going to get more pregnant.

30 weeks

30 weeks hurts! I forgot how much the last trimester can hurt. Darn my forgetting being pregnant brain!

I hurt for three reasons... or maybe more.

1.  Baby boy kicks, punches, stretches or just moves and it hurts.
2.  Braxton Hicks contractions. These are not often or regular, but when they occur, they hurt.
3.  General abdominal pain. This is pain in the muscles right under my belly and in my back and hips and all over.  No real reason for this pain, but it usually occurs at the end of a day, usually when I have been more active.

Despite all this pain, I still get up at 6am and go to work and come home and make dinner and play with my girl.  I know what the result is, I know it will all be worth it and I know I have only 10 more weeks to go.  That is not to much at all.

Next week, I will be able to count down in single digit weeks.  I look forward to that.

People have begun to ask if I am "due any time" or "due in the next couple of weeks."  Just a general FYI, this is an awful question, do not ask it.  Do not attempt to guess a pregnant woman's due date if you don't remember it.

Additionally, two people have asked me if I am having twins.  Again, this is an awful question, never ask it.  If a pregnant woman offers up the information that she is carrying twins, act surprised and comment her on how she doesn't look it.  Otherwise, never bring up twins... ever.

I find myself being more irritable, more emotional, and more grumpy.  I'm trying to stay positive and cheery, especially for Nicole who does not understand, but it is a challenge.  I broke down crying last night because I was hurting and emotional and Nicole kept asking, "Daddy, Mamma okay?"  I try to put on a happy face for her so that she doesn't get worried because she will often start crying if I am crying and then try to climb up me to give me kisses, which only hurts me more and makes her cry harder and exclaim, "I sorry Mamma!"

So, you will still get no belly pictures.  Just imagine what I would look like if I were having twins and that is apparently how big I am. (I am not having twins.)

Hashu Hashu

I'm tired when I wake up.  I'm tired in the afternoon, and then I'm REALLY tired at night.  If I wasn't pregnant, I would guess that I have mono... again.  Good thing it is just the third trimester where my baby is huge and zapping all my energy.

10.5 more weeks.  I can do it.

28 Weeks

Yay!  I am 28 weeks along and officially into my third trimester.  That means that I am 2/3 done with this pregnancy.  Hazah! 

I had my first bought of "nesting" this weekend where I suddenly felt that the baby was coming very soon and we were very unprepared for it.  I decided it was time to clean the whole house because it was a wreck.  Matt, was very kind and helped me in my endeavor even though I sounded like a crazy person talking about getting the house clean immediately for the baby that won't come for another 12 weeks.

I also began registering for baby stuff on Target.com even though my baby shower isn't for another two months.  It is possible that I am a little crazy.  We also went shopping on Saturday so that I could look at double strollers.  We went to Burlington Coat Factory that has a surprisingly large baby section at the back of the store.  We saw a few double strollers, but none of them are the one that we want.  There was a really nice one that had seats that could face forward or backward, but Nicole was too tall for the seat.  Her head was almost brushing the canopy.  In six months, she wouldn't even fit into it.  Who designs these things?  We tried the InStep Safari Double, but when folded it was huge!  No way was that thing going to fit into either of our cars.  Perhaps, a double stroller is not in our future.

Yesterday I was feeling stuffy and coughy, so Matt told me to stay home from church and rest while he and Nicole went.  I'm sure glad I did because baby boy FINALLY turned while I was taking my nap.  This whole time he has been feet down and I was starting to get worried that he wouldn't turn before he got too big to turn.  So, now I get kicks to the ribs, but it is overall WAY more comfortable than having him kick down.

I am feeling really good still.  I have bad pregnancy days where I get a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions if I am too active or if my body just hates me, but it is still a lot better than my Nicole pregnancy.  I still have energy, though not as much as I did a few weeks ago.  Something about the third trimester just makes me extra tired. 

I am starting to get the swelling of the feet a lot more now, something that I was mostly spared in the second trimester.  Now, if I stand for too long or sit for too long then they will just begin to swell.  Elevation is key.

I am working with Nicole on getting her to realize that there is a baby in Mommy's tummy and that it is her little brother.  Sometimes she remembers and sometimes she thinks that Mommy is a jungle gym, just like Daddy.  But, last night, she said to me, "Baby Brother in Mama's tummy?"  It made me a happy mommy.

The day is swiftly approaching where I will not just be a mommy to one, but two!  It is exciting!

Sick Family

Husband sick, daughter sick, and a tired Mommy.

This week has been long, even though it was short.  I have a sick family at home, and I'm just a tired pregnant lady.

Oh well.

25 Weeks

Bet you all thought that when I finally wrote again that it would be my Christmas post... but it isn't, that is yet to come... still.  I want to include all my pictures and I have as of yet to get them off of my camera.  So, as far as you know, Christmas did not happen!

In reality, this is a pregnancy post.  I have been very lax in writing about this pregnancy because there has not been very much to post.  This pregnancy is a breeze!  I am now 25 weeks pregnant and I am feeling pretty good.  Which is very different from pregnant Becky last time.  Remember my 25 weeks post last time?  It was a list of complaints and grievances.  Nicole really was a mean fetus.

Baby boy is really treating me well.  I am more tired during the day than I would like, but I don't have the constant pain, discomfort, and nausea that I had with Nicole.  His little kicks like to keep me up at night and they don't feel good, but they are not nearly as painful as the last time.  This is perhaps due to the fact that my body has done this all before and my skin isn't ripping with every kick like it did with Nicole.

I hate to say it, but my Mom was right, my second pregnancy is better than my first.  I am sure that this is because I know what to expect this time around and I know what I am getting out of the deal.  This baby boy will be worth every pain that I am experiencing now (well, if I love him as much as I love my Nicole).

I am especially grateful that this pregnancy is not as trying as the last as I am currently the breadwinner and I have to go to work everyday and prove my worth to my employers so that I may keep my job while I am gone having the baby.  Plus, with all the other obstacles that Matt and I have faced recently, we don't need a crazy pregnant lady hanging around all the time.  I am only slightly emotional at times, but not full on crazy like I was last time.

But, as I suppose it is with every pregnancy, I feel a greater gratitude to my mother for enduring this for me.  Thanks Mom for being pregnant a fifth time in order to bring me into the world.  I just don't know if I would do this 5 times. 

17 Weeks

I am 17 weeks and all is well.  This pregnancy is a breeze compared to my last pregnancy.  No wonder so many women told me that I was over reacting with my last pregnancy.  If most women's pregnancies are like this one, of course they would think I was a crazy person for my first pregnancy.  If pregnancy was always this easy, tons of women would do it.  When I was pregnant with Nicole I was sick almost the whole time and I was in pain and just plum miserable.  This pregnancy is completely different!

It just goes to show that not only is every woman's pregnancy different, but every pregnancy is different.  I am rarely nauseated any more.  I only get nauseous when I wait too long to eat.  I am no longer ravenous for food all the time.  I can go like 4 hours without eating or vomiting.  Yay!  I don't even get daily heartburn like I did a few weeks ago.  I only get it if I eat greasy food, so I just stay away from that and I am fine.

Right now my worst symptoms include:

Feeling uncomfortable and front heavy.
Being unbalanced and uncoordinated.
Emotional at times, but nothing compared to the craziness of my Nicole pregnancy.
Various food aversions (some food items taste like non food to me)
Varying between hot and cold during the day.
And ligament pain.

Other than that, I am doing okay.  Which really makes me a happy preggo lady.  Now that I know that boy pregnancies are this easy, I think I might just want all boys from now on.