Am I a Seperate Person?

One of the things that I was most excited for when I was pregnant was to be just one person after the pregnancy. I never really felt like myself when I was pregnant and I was looking forward to being me again after the baby came. Now that the baby has come, I am still looking forward to being just one person. I feel like I have a baby attached to me all the time still. I haven't figured out how to have time to do the things that need to get done around the house or to do the things that I want to do during the day because I have Nicoley to take care of. I really have to get a handle on this Mom thing.

I think some Mom attributes come instinctively. Like learning what each of her sounds mean and figuring out what she needs and being able to give it to her. But, managing my time for myself is not instinctive. It is like I don't even realize that all my time is being given to Nicoley because I want to give it to her. I want to make her happy all the time and make sure she has everything she needs even if that means I have to sacrifice for myself. I think that I had the right of it when I was pregnant. Babies ARE evil! They make you want to care for them and entertain them and make them happy. But, I'm not even sorry or resentful. I really feel like all I want is to make her happy. A truly evil plot the babies have concocted. They get us and even if we realize that we've been gotten, it doesn't make us want to change our actions. Diabolical.

I would like to get into a routine soon. I like to be on a routine and I'm sure that Nicole will like it too, I just have to get her into one. Everyday seems to be a surprise right now. I'm never sure if she will sleep or will be fussy or if she will eat at the same time of day that she did the day before. It is very tiring for me. But, I am starting to do the things that I used to love to do pre baby. Sarah and Mark came over and made us lasagna last night and we are going to our dinner at Marie's that we used to do once a month. Now, if only I can get my game nights back, I will think myself a multi-tasking successful Mom.

One Month Old! Well, Almost

Nicole holds up her head so well!

Tummy Time on the Boppy 3 weeks

Cute outfit 2 weeks

Bath time 2 weeks! She loves the bath.

Nicole with Pacifier at 2 weeks

Hawaiin Nicole at 2 weeks

Well, not much has been going on right now. Me and Nicole are starting to get into a routine at home. For the past three nights she has slept for five hours straight at night. This is a huge accomplishment! I was waking up every three hours to feed her, but now I get a five hour block of sleep. I hope that it lasts. Then, Matt leaves early in the morning for work and I feed Nicole and we go back to sleep until 9 or 10am. I feel like the laziest mom because I sleep most of the day still. I'm thinking that once I am fully recovered from giving birth that the sleepiness will ebb. My day is feeding Nicole, burping Nicole, changing Nicole, and then feeding her again. Occasionally, I get to rock Nicole in the rocking chair. It is repetitive, but I love it because I love my little girl.

Hopefully, we will get to doing more things, I'm just too exhausted to do much. Nicole went on an outing with Matt and I, her first that was not a trip to the doctor's or the hospital. We went to Walmart. It was scary for me because I constantly worry that she is going to pick up diseases. But, she survived.

Well, Nicole is awake and hungry, so that is all for now.

One Week Old

First sponge bath

First ride in the baby carrier

4 days old

4 days old in her boppy (which I love)

In the hospital with Daddy

Well, I haven't posted in a while because I haven't had the energy to even walk downstairs to our office to post on the blog.  It seems like I am always feeding, burping, or changing Nicole.  Then, when she is sleeping, I am also sleeping.  It is all very tiring, but that is okay because I have my beautiful baby girl.

I will start with labor and delivery for my catch up, even though many of you know what happened because you read Marie's blog.  Matt and I got into the hospital at 6am on the March 30th.  They started me on the pitocin around 7:30am.  I started to really feel the contractions around 12:30pm, at which time I got my epidural.  I thought about waiting to get the epidural, but Matt convinced me that there was no point in prolonging my pain, so I got the epidural.  Which was surprisingly not very painful.  I thought that it would be much more painful because they put a needle in your back, but it really wasn't that bad compared to the contractions.  After the epidural, I was feeling very good, though my legs were very numb and I had no control over them.  I'm sure it was very comical watching me try to switch from my left side to my right side with numb legs.

At 1pm, my doctor came to break my water, which was painless cuz I was all numb.  But, alas I was still only dialated to a 3 at that time.  That was very disheartening.  I thought that since I had been having contractions all morning,  I should be at least a little more dialated, but alas that such was not the case.  But, after she broke my water, things went fairly quickly and I was fully dialated by 6pm.  But, they didn't want me to push yet, so I sat until 7:30pm when they finally decided I was reading to start pushing.  Pushing is hard!  Pushing has to be the most exhausting workout that I have ever done.  I was exhausted after only the first few times that I pushed.  After an hour of pushing, I was convinced that I was doing it wrong because the baby was just not coming.  But, the nurses assured me that I was pushing well, she just was coming very slowly.  Matt was wonderful in the delivery room.  He was reassuring and supportive and just amazing.  But, I was discouraged after 2 hours of pushing with no baby, so I called my Mom into the room.  She was waiting outside.  I just got to the point where I really wanted my mom.  

Finally, I was given the option  of calling the doctor and having her help me get the baby out with a vacuum.  I took it because I wanted that baby out!  Plus, I was exhausted and didn't know how much longer I could push for.  The doctor came, she vacuumed her and Nicole finally came!  The doctor said that if I didn't get her out with my last set of pushes, they were going to take me into surgery, so I had determination that my baby was coming out! 

There was immediate relief after the baby came out.  Then, the doctor gave my little girl to me and I immediately loved her.  I worried for much of my pregnancy if I would love my little girl enough because the pregnancy had so many unpleasantries, but I loved her right away.  I have never felt so much love for a little baby as I do for my little girl.  

The stay in the hospital seemed very brief because I slept through most of it.  So did Nicole, which was very nice.  I am very much the new mother.  I worry about her all the time and I don't like to be seperated from her.  It is difficult to be in a different room than she is.  I just lover her so much and I want to protect her and make her happy.

Nursing was difficult at first because my Nicole couldn't stay awake long enough to eat, but once we got home she caught on quick and eats very well.  Nursing definitely hurts a lot more than I thought it would, but it is worth it because it is for my baby.

Mom has been with me the last week and it is certainly a blessing.  Mom has helped with stuff around the house so that I can have time to take care of Nicole and sleep excessively.  I know that I will get my energy back eventually, but I am so tired right now.  Nicole is sometimes a good little sleeper and sometimes not.  Sometimes she will sleep in 3-4 hour blocks at night and sometimes she wakes up every hour and wants to eat.  But, she is a lazy eater and takes forever!  It often takes her30-40 minutes to eat because she is so lazy.  So, my sleep patterns are all off right now.  I feel bad for Matt who has to get up and go to work every day regardless of how much sleep he gets.  I try to take care of the baby on my own so he can sleep as much as possible.  But, sometimes the finess of mothering is beyond me and my wonderful husband jumps in to help at 2am.

Thus far, I love being a mother.  It was so much more rewarding than I could ever imagine.  I love Nicole so much and I am so happy.  Hopefully, I will be able to keep things more updated.  

Nicole Marie Kimball

Newborn Nicole

8lbs 9oz

20-1/2"

3/30/09 10:09pm