Pioneer Park Splash Pad

Pioneer Park, in Provo, has a new splash pad. The park has been under construction for what feels like forever, but it is finally done! Now they have a fenced playground, no more dangerous water canal and a fancy shmancy splash pad.

I love splash pads, but the one at the Riverwoods is small and busy all the time, so I was really excited when I heard about this new splash pad. We took the kids on a Friday morning (fountains start at 10am in case you are wondering) but we were like 10 minutes early, so we let the kids play on the playground until the water started.

The playground, was underwhelming. It was a Little Tykes playground and it was not that cool. My kids played on one slide that they could handle and that was it.

Even though the playground was less than awesome, the splash pad was amazing. It is huge. So very huge. And, there are tons of places for parents to sit, which I loved.

The kids had so much fun. Dan was screaming with glee and chasing Nicoley and Nicole was calculatingly maneuvering through the streams of water. Nicole was more brave about going through the streams then Dan was, but Dan got braver the longer we were there.

I couldn't get the kids to look at the camera while they were playing. They were having too much fun. And, I didn't have my zoom lenses with me, so I couldn't get a lot of close up shots without entering the water myself, which I was not going to do. I was not suited up for water fun.

I loved watching the kids play in the water. Nicole made up a game with her croc shoe where it was a boat and then Dan had to do it to. Funny kids.

I highly recommend this splash pad, it is so much fun. We only stayed like thirty minutes before the kids were cold and ready to be done, but that was fine with me since I was done too.

Backyard Swimming

We bought this little pool last year because it was a hot summer. But, last year, when we tried to put the kids in the pool, they cried like we were trying to harm them with the cold water of the pool. This year though, when I got out the pool, the kids couldn't get in it fast enough. The cold water didn't even phase them.

Nicole decided that the pool needed toys, so she ran inside and got the bath toys. That ended up being a big mistake because all the bath toys got grass in them when Dan decided to add grass to the pool.

It is just a simple thing, fill a pool up with water, but the kids were so happy about it. I love it when my kids play well together and are happy. It makes for a happy mommy.

Skating

Before I introduced my new and improved sticker reward system, Nicole would work on a sticker chart for many months and then get a big prize when she completed it. This time, she got skates... which it turns out are pretty expensive when you have to buy pads and a helmet too. We decided to go with skates instead of a bike because Nicole is afraid of bikes.

Nicole was afraid as soon as she got on her feet, but Matt held on to her and helped her skate around for a while. She was done after two seconds, but persisted and eventually got the hang of it.

She didn't really like skating until I took her into the garage and had her skate in there. Then, she loved it because it was a nice, smooth, even surface. Now she skates in the garage all the time, so it turned out to be a good pic.

Dano wanted to try out the skates because he has to do everything that Nicole does. He couldn't find his feet the whole time. It was just too much for him. He is too little. But, he wants to try every time that Nicole skates.

Hair Cut

After I lost the baby, I felt like I needed a change. Some may say that it is an early mid-life crisis... or... brilliance! When I was single, and I had a break up, I would feel sad and I would dye my hair. But, now that I'm older, and have kids, I try to steer clear of the crazy hair colors that I did when I was younger. So... this ended up with me cutting my hair.

It is a big change, so I wasn't sure if I liked it at first. But, after a couple of weeks and learning how to style it myself, I am very pleased.

These pics are from the day I got it cut and I hadn't styled it myself.

Here is a pic of me styling it myself. I have finally gotten the hang of it. Short hair is definitely different hair skills then long hair. I can't get it to look like my stylist does it, but I can do it in a way I like. Also, this is a bad pic of Nicole, but I looked really good in it, so ignore that she looks bad.

Missed

So, as a follow up to my totally serious post about Nicole's Aspergers... I'm going to have a totally serious post. Yep, I've had a bad month or so.

A year ago, Matt and I started trying to get pregnant. Every time my baby turns one, there is some magical switch in my hormones that tells me that I need another baby because my baby is no longer a baby. So, Dan turned one a little over a year ago and I got the baby hunger.

But, I quickly discovered that my body was out of whack when I didn't have a period for six months, but I was not pregnant. My body was just all messed up from the birth control that I was on. So, after nine months of trying to get pregnant, I finally decided to give up and stop actively tracking my cycle and my ovulation and just give up for a little while because it was all too stressful. I felt hopeful every month when my cycle wasn't the exact amount of days as the previous month only to be disappointed again. Plus, I had spent way too much money on pregnancy tests and I was tired of seeing that stupid little minus sign.

So, Matt and I decided to just relax about the baby thing and let it happen when and if it was going to happen. And then, in my ten month of trying, I was a couple days late. But, I didn't want to take a pregnancy test because I didn't want to jinx it. I wanted to be very very late before I took the test. So, I waited until I was a week late before I took the test and I didn't tell Matt this time around just in case I was not pregnant again. But, when I took the test, I finally saw that little, magical plus sign. Finally, I was pregnant! I felt so relieved because I worried that there was something really wrong with me and I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again.

This pregnancy seemed different then my other two pregnancies. I wasn't as sick as with my other pregnancies, I was losing weight instead of gaining, and I was getting pregnancy symptoms that I had never had before. It was actually a fairly easy first trimester. I assumed that maybe my body is getting used to being pregnant; this being my third.

But, I felt strangely disconnected from this baby. I didn't feel the instant connection that I felt with Nicole and Dan. I felt worried and often forgot that I was pregnant. I just didn't feel... right. So, I went in to see my brother Norm, who is an ultrasound technician, to have a look at my baby. Oh yeah, I should mention that Matt and I are currently on private insurance, which does not cover any prenatal visits, nor does it cover baby delivery or any woman related checkups. It is pretty crappy insurance, but at least it is something. So, I had no intention of going to the doctor at all for this pregnancy. I figured that I have done this two times before, I can go without doctors visits and just pay the hospital bill when the baby decided to come. So, going to Norm is my only free alternative to checking on the baby as I had no intention to see a doctor.

So, at nine weeks pregnant, I went in to get an ultrasound with a worry in my heart. Just Nicole and I went as Matt was home sleeping off a night of work and Dano was taking a nap. So, Norm started my ultrasound and I could tell right away that the baby, though it looked like a little baby, didn't have the little flutter in it's chest that the heart looks like on the ultra sound. Norm was quiet for a bit while he looked at the baby from all angles and then he confirmed that the baby didn't have a heart beat. The baby gestated to 8 weeks and 3 days and then the little heart stopped.

This baby that I wanted so bad and tried for almost a year for just didn't survive. I felt so sad. Even though I felt like something was different about this pregnancy, it was still shocking to have my fears confirmed. I felt so sad, I felt a loss, and I felt so anxious. I waited a couple of days to see if I would miscarry the baby, but nothing happened, so despite the fact that I knew my insurance wouldn't pay for it, I made an appointment with a doctor. A new doctor in fact, one that was in-network for my new insurance in the hopes that perhaps they might pay for something. The doctor confirmed what we already knew, that the fetus had not survived and that it was a missed miscarriage.

Let me say something about a missed miscarriage. This is when the fetus dies, but your brain does not know that the fetus has died and you still feel pregnant, complete with nausea, exhaustion, headaches, etc... And, subsequently, you do not miscarry. You continue to carry the fetus and it can lead to all sorts of bad. It also royally sucks. I felt so upset that not only could I not keep my baby alive, but I couldn't even miscarry properly. Also, once I found out my baby had not survived, I felt a sudden need to be done. To miscarry and be done and move on and get the fetus out of me. This may sound weird, but I felt this sudden need to not be pregnant any more with a dead baby. I needed it out and I needed this process to be done as soon as possible so that I didn't have to walk around waiting for me to lose my baby. It is a state of constant anxiousness.

So, the doctor recommended a D&C, but I knew that my insurance would not pay for this very expensive procedure which includes paying the hospital, anesthesiologist, doctor, nurses, lab, etc. So, I decided to go the less pleasant and more awful route of taking pills and inducing contractions that would cause a miscarriage. 24 hours, many cramps, many drugs, extreme pain, and only a little bleeding later, I still had not miscarried. This was beyond frustrating, beyond painful (emotionally and physically) and beyond anything that I could handle. So, finally, four days after finding out my baby had died, I went in for a D&C that I knew that we could not pay for. The D&C itself was easy. It was a relief from the pain of 24 hours of contractions, it was a relief from four days of heartache and it was over quite quickly.

And so, my baby is gone. I feel empty, I feel sad, I feel tired, but most of the physical pain has passed. I really really want a third child. I don't feel like our family is complete, but, that baby was not our baby, our baby is yet to come. One of the hardest parts is trying to explain it to Nicole. Nicole is incredibly smart and extremely logical and when I tried to explain to her that the there was no longer a baby in my tummy and we wouldn't be getting a baby for Christmas, she had a hard time understanding. I'm not sure if she gets it entirely. She continues to ask me about the baby in my tummy and I have to remind her that there is no baby in my tummy. When I told her the baby is gone, she said, "Where is it? Is it in your hand? Can I see it?" It is a difficult concept for a four year old.

So, I am taking this time to recover, in my body and emotionally. I will put this in the Lord's hands. If we are meant to have more children, we will. Every trial happens for a reason, so I have to believe that this is another one of the trials that Matt and I have to face. In the mean time, I am going to focus on the two beautiful children that I have and love.

I think I now have told all my bad news. This was the other reason why I haven't been posting. First, I was sick in the first two months of my pregnancy, and then I was recovering from losing the baby so I just didn't feel like posting. When all I had was bad news to tell, I didn't really want to tell any news. But, now it is all out... for now. Because lets face it, bad things will continue to happen in my life, that is just the way life is. But, hopefully, now that I have the weight of the heavy news off my chest, I will be able to post about all the little awesome things going on day to day.

Aspergers

This is a hard post for me. Even now, I don't know if I can find the words. Every parent wants their child to be perfect, wants their child to have all the potential in the world, wants their child to have a childhood that is carefree and relatively easy. And when I discovered that my child, my beautiful little girl is going to have to face challenges that I never had to face, it broke my heart. I would do anything to take away the many things in life that will be hard on her, but at the same time, I know that we all face challenges in this life and this one will be hers... and mine... and Matt's.

If you are a long time reader of my blog, you know my Nicole. You know that she is super smart, very expressive, funny, emotional, fearful, and a little OCD. Matt and I always knew that Nicole was more sensitive and emotional then other kids her age. We also knew that she had some behavior problems and often threw tantrums. But, we always thought that it was a phase, something she would grow out of, something we could help her to work past. We have changed our lives in so many ways to accomodate Nicole's "particular" habbits; I plan our meals around things that Nicole will eat, we try to avoid places with large crowds because she has crowd anxiety, I help her go potty because she has a meltdown if the toilet paper doesn't rip straight across, her room has four different sources of light because she is afraid of the dark and we also have lights that stay on all night to help her fear, and I have developed mantras for Nicole to help her overcome a lot of her fears... to name a few.

Not long ago, with the help of my Mom, I came to realize that Nicole is not growing out of her many fears and quirks. And, her behaviors are not typical for a little girl her age. I always just thought that she was a little odd, a little clingy, a little high maintenance for a child, but I started to think that maybe something else was going on with my sweet girl. No parent wants to think that their child is outside the norm, I have been in denial for a long time, thinking that Nicoley was just a little off. But I started to realize when I saw Nicole interact in preschool that she just isn't the same as the other kids. When the other kids have play time, Nicole would rather sit by herself and draw, write, or read. When Nicole would become non functional because she forgot her show and tell, the other kids just show their shirt or pants when they forget.

So, after talking it out with my Mom, who has been a special education teacher for almost 20 years, and then talking it through with Matt, we decided that we should get Nicole tested. The school district offers free testing for their special ed preschool, so after multiple phone calls, I finally got an appointment for Nicole.

We went as a family, since we couldn't find a sitter for Dan and Matt and I both wanted to be there. Nicole was a champ and even though she was scared at first and didn't want to answer any questions or deal with the ladies doing the tests, she eventually warmed up and did great. Testing Nicole also means testing for Matt and I as many of the questions about her abilities, behaviors, and adaptability can only be answered by us. The questions were really hard to answer. I know my daughter, but a lot of things were not even anything I had thought about before. Like, does Nicole initiate conversations or physical contact with adults who are not us? Or with her peers? Can Nicole get herself a glass of water? (I don't know because she has never tried, she always asks for water) The testing went on for two hours and by the end of it, I think all of us were ready to be done. Near the end, Nicole was just refusing to answer questions.

And, at the end of it, the kind women there helping with the testing, scored Nicole and gave us the news that we had been fearing. Though they are not qualified to diagnose, they gave us a probability. It is Very Likely that Nicole has a form of Autism. They told us that it is most likely Aspergers due to her high functioning. It is one thing to suspect a thing and then another thing to have someone else tell it to you. I held it together like a good mommy and didn't let my sadness show and had myself a good cry later that night when I was alone.

Nicole scored Above Average in speech, academics, and cognitive reasoning. But, we always knew that she was an exceptionally smart little girl.

The good news is that because of Nicole's test scores, she qualifies to go to the special ed preschool that Provo School District offers. It is a free preschool with bus transportation and small classrooms. They say that early intervention is best for children with learning disabilities. Nicole's disability isn't due to an inability to learn new things, but in social anxiety. If Nicole was put into a classroom of thirty children, she would have a meltdown because she wouldn't be able to handle that many people around her. Nicole will be able to start getting the tools she needs to overcome a lot of her anxiety outside of the home. We are so grateful for programs like these that can help our sweet girl.

Matt and I have done everything that we can think of to help Nicole with her fears and emotional..ness. We have changed our home and the way we live to try and help Nicole be happy. We have done everything we can for her in our home. But, when Nicole is not with us, when she is outside of the home, she has a really hard time and I really feel for her. Not everyone understands why she is so emotional and crying all the time, or why she won't eat lots of different kinds of foods, or why she goes off by herself when there are too many people around. She needs the tools to help her function outside the home.

Nothing has changed about my little girl to me. She is still my Nicoley; sweet, funny, straight forward, and mine. This new information doesn't change who Nicole is, I just will now have the tools to help Nicole be a happier girl. I love my girl so much and I wish she didn't have this challenge to face, but it I know that Matt and I will be able to help her.

We want to take Nicoley in to see a behavioral therapist to get her properly diagnosed, but right now, our insurance doesn't cover it. And, we have had a lot of recent unexpected expenses, so we will have to wait to take her.

This is a hard topic for me. I have put off posting about this for over a month now. I have put off posting about anything for over a month now because when we found out about Nicole, I felt like it consumed my life. I think about it all the time, it has changed my actions and attitude as a mother. I feel a constant worry for my Nicoley. I worry that I won't be the kind of mother that can meet the needs of a special needs child. I feel guilt for not figuring this out sooner. I feel sorrowful that Nicole will have challenges that so many other kids don't even have to think about, let alone worry about. I feel afraid that this information will change how other people view Nicole and that it will change their views negatively. I feel afraid that some people won't understand and will judge Nicole's actions when they are out of the norm and then judge my actions as a parent. I feel overwhelmingly sad... a not small amount of the time.

I have been so frustrated these last three years as Nicole's behaviors have escalated. I felt like a failure as a parent. I have tried so many different things to regulate her behavior. I've gotten sterner and firmer and more angry with her in the recent months. But then, after we learned about the Aspergers, I started doing research and it so very fits with what we have being seeing with Nicole. So, Matt and I both changed our behaviors as parents. We read blogs and websites and started talking to other parents of autistic children for advice and it has helped so immensely. Instead of being harder and harder on Nicole, we have become more understanding, more comforting, less angry and more loving. And the changes in her have been so drastic. As we have changed our behavior, she has also changed hers. When we are dealing with a Nicole tantrum and we approach her with love and caring, it ends a lot faster then when her tantrums resulted in punishments. I started an aggressive reward system and it has helped so very much. She strives for good behavior to earn her rewards. So, even though an Aspergers diagnosis has been a very painful one, it has also been a blessing. Our home is so much happier knowing what we are dealing with and knowing how we can help our precious girl.

And though I still have my fears and my emotional parental turmoil, I know that we can do this; I can do this; Nicole can do this.

I have been scared to tell my family, tell my friends, tell... anyone. But I feel like this knowledge has been good for us as parents and for Nicole. So, I'm hoping that telling others will be good for us too. One of the special needs parents groups that I went to talked about how one of the hardest and most important things is to ask for help when you need it. So, I am asking for understanding, for love, and for support; for my family, for my girl, and for me.

Graduation

Three years ago, when Matt's job fell through and the job market was sucky, we decided that Matt should be a stay at home dad, go back to school, and that I should return to work. Four months ago, I quit my job to return home to take care of the kids. And, last week, Matt graduated from UVU with his bachelors degree in IT!

We are finally done with school! I say "we" because even though Matt has been doing all of the school work, I feel like this whole journey, the last three years have been a team effort. We have both just been working as hard as we can to get to this goal, to get Matt a degree and it is finally done. 

It doesn't seem real quite yet. Matt says he feels anxious every night because he feels like he should be at class. I feel anxious every day because I keep thinking that Matt has homework to do or that I have to have dinner made by 4pm so that Matt can eat before he goes to class and it simply isn't true any more. We haven't really had a break from school since Matt started three years ago because Matt did every semester, including summers. And, now that we are done, I just don't know if we know what to do with ourselves.

I feel like we have been in survival mode for the last three years, like we have been waiting for our real lives to begin while we work through this more challenging time and now it is really done. When we started this school journey, I cried a lot because our lives were so different, and I was pregnant with Dan. Now that we are done, I feel like our lives are changing fairly drastically again and I'm not crying, but it is weirding me out.

Matt and I are both really happy to be done. We will adjust to our new life and hopefully it will be awesome.   With me home all the time, and Matt not going to school every day, and Matt only working three days a week, it is going to be super weird for a while to have so much time together when just four months ago, we were lucky to get 6 hours a week together.

Matt didn't want to walk in the graduation ceremony, cuz he is lame like that. So, instead, we had all of our families over for a big barbeque to celebrate Matt's success. I am so proud of Matt for finishing school. It is not an easy thing to do college when you really don't like school. It is even harder to do college while also being a stay at home dad for two kids. Matt is amazing and has earned his degree to ensure the success of our family. A lot of people ask him if he will go on and get his graduate degree. I always respond with "H- No."

Natural History Museum

Nicole and Dan digging for fossils

Nicole in an excavation site

Amara and Nicole building a structure and then causing an earthquake to knock it down.

This was Dano's favorite part. Their were these phones inside all of these fake trees and they told you history when you picked them up. Dano had to try all the phones in all the trees and wanted to stay there forever listening to some guy tell history. Funny kid.

The week of Spring Break, I invited myself along on my brother, Jake's, trip to the Natural History Museum. Jake and Jill have been really good in letting me hang with them more often as of late. Nicole gets along so well with their girl, Keira, and Dan plays pretty well with his cousin, Sorin. It has been so nice just spending more time with them. And, now that I am a stay-at-home mom, I can do this kind of stuff during the day.

Jill and Nicoley testing city earth quake.

My Nephews, Jacob and Sorin, and my brother Jake

This section had a glass floor with dinosaur fossils under it. Sorin was very apprehensive about walking on the clear floor.

Amara, who is 9, spent the whole time with Nicole, walking her around to all the things that Nicole wanted to look at. My sweet little niece made the whole visit so easy for me! I didn't have to worry about Nicole at all and she didn't have a single meltdown. It was like a miracle!

All I had to worry about was keeping up with Dano who was all over the place and into everything. But it wasn't so bad keeping up with just him and I had Jake and Jill as an extra set of eyes as well.

The new Natural History Museum in Salt Lake is huge. Like five floors huge. The kids loved it and didn't get bored in the two hours that we were there. It was a lot of fun, but it is super expensive. It was 11 dollars for me and 8 dollars per kid. Well, it would have been that much, but I didn't have to pay for Dan or Nicole because my brother has extra passes they were able to use.

Easter 2013

Easter was kind of over done for us on the week of Easter. It was my week to teach preschool, and my topic was Easter, so one of the days, I did an egg hunt with the kids. Then, on Friday, we went to my sister-in-law, Anne's house for passover dinner and she had an egg hunt for the kids. Then, on Saturday, Momma Kimball had an Easter basket hunt for the kids. Then, finally, on Sunday, actual Easter, we did our very own egg hunt from the "Easter Bunny."

Since the kids had already gotten so much candy from their many other egg hunts, we didn't do candy in the eggs this year. I put money in the eggs and the kids loved it. They loved cracking open the eggs to find the money inside and then putting them in their piggy banks.