Anxiety

As I have been going to therapy with Nicole, I have been learning more about Aspergers and the behaviors that come along with it. A lot of the things that Nicole does and says suddenly makes a lot of sense. For some reason, as I learn more about Aspergers, I start to see Aspergers every where; not just in Nicole, but also in my self and in others.

A lot of the traits that come along with Aspergers, I see in people all around me; my mother-in-law's OCD with cleanliness, my sister's need for order, my own anxiety with sleeping, Matt's need to complete a task, my mother's attention to detail, my nephew's super intelligence, ect... I don't know why this happens, but I am starting to realize that Nicole's behaviors are not unique to Aspergers; it is the combination of behaviors and anxiety that make her different from everyone else.

We recently found out that for a girl to get autism, both parents must have the recessive gene (for a boy, only one parent needs to have it). And since then, I see so much of the autistic traits in myself. Matt has been doing the same. Perhaps this is just a consequence of having an autistic child. For instance, I have anxiety about travelling and it affects me physically; I get physically ill when I am travelling; I don't know why. Matt does not feel comfortable in social situations. For instance, we never have a Birthday party for Matt because he literally does not like them; they make him feel uncomfortable. We start to seriously wonder if we are a little autistic ourselves... but then we remember that we are not super smart and don't have all the other behavior issues that Nicole deals with.

But, one thing that I have discovered is that I have a lot of anxiety. I actually realized this during therapy. The doctor asked me if I had a history of anxiety. I know that my mother's side of the family has anxiety disorders and that my mother worries a lot, but I didn't think it applied to me... until it was pointed out to me that I am a worrier. The doctor told me that my whole body is constantly tense with worry; which is not too out of place in a therapy session because I worry a lot a lot about Nicole. But, perhaps, I have inherited the anxiety disorder that is on my Mom's side of the family. I don't know, but it is one more thing for me to worry about.

So, I shouldn't be too surprised that Nicole has a lot of anxiety when her mother is a worrier. Nicole is afraid of many many many things; the dark, new places, not knowing our schedule for the day, messes, eating, Dano "getting her," people in her space, people touching her things, large crowds, new people, riding in the car, spiders, bugs, long nails, pain, making mistakes, crooked lines, spots, anger, incomplete tasks... to name a few.

So, I suppose, I should learn to manage my anxiety and then I can help Nicole with hers... or, more likely, as I go to therapy with Nicole and learn tactics to help her overcome her anxiety, I can use those same tactics to overcome my own. Or, I can try at least.

Do You Know This Child?

At the end of Nicole's Birthday Party, a weird thing happened. We heard Marie's car alarm go off. Marie went outside to check it out and she found a little 2 year old girl wandering around my front yard. We went outside to see who the girl belonged to, but there was no adult in site to claim this little girl. I didn't recognize her, but that is not saying much since our house is the only house on our side of the street in my ward. All the other houses are in a different ward, so I wouldn't know her if she lived on my street. The girl didn't seem to be afraid or sad, she was just contentedly wandering. I have no idea how long she was wandering before she got to my house, but I decided I better not let her go any farther.

So, since we couldn't find her mom, and she couldn't tell us her name or where she lives, we called the police. 30 minutes later, a police officer shows up. Now here is the weird thing, I knew the officer, he was the boy that I dated in high school. Obviously, not a boy any more as he is now a man and police and all, but it was super weird. What was even more weird was that he pretended not to know me. Granted, I look different from high school (like 50 pounds different) and we did not split on good terms, but still, dude. I called him by his first name and he pretended he didn't know me. Whatever.

So anyway, back to the little girl. The officer first asked us a bunch of questions and tried to get the little girl to tell him her name or her parents name or anything about her, but it just wasn't working. Mostly, because she is two and not only had two year old speech but probably didn't know how to answer the questions he was asking. He checked missing persons and checked to see if anyone had called about missing a child, but no one had. But, I said that someone must be missing her because if it were my child, I would be in a panic if I couldn't find my two year old. The obviously jaded officer said that I would be surprised how many bad parents there are. But, I knew that somebody loved this little girl because they had done her hair in cute pony tails. Which I know sounds weird, but if you have a little girl, you know that it is no easy feat to do their hair. You really have to care about them to do your child's hair. The officer did not have children of his own and wasn't exactly connecting with the little girl. When she tried to answer his questions in little girl speak, he looked at me and said, "What did she just say? I don't speak little girl."

Nicole at two could have told him her name, my and Matt's names, and her phone number; but Nicole was exceptional at speaking at two. And lets face it, if Nicole had gotten lost at two, she wouldn't have stopped crying long enough to be able to answer any questions even if she did know the answers because Nicole is a cryer. Dano on the other hand is almost two and he can repeat his name to me but cannot answer the question, "What is your name?" If I point to his chest and ask, "Who is this?" he responds with "Dano!" But, knowing a child's first name only does not really help to find their home.

So, the officer then called in a bunch of other officers to come and I entertained the little girl as best I could on my front lawn while my children cried inside and the party was not getting cleaned up. So, I brought the kids outside to play with me and the little girl while we waited. We played a lot of ring around the rosie.

The officer asked if he could leave the girl with us while he started knocking on doors, but we were actually supposed to be leaving for a Easter party at Momma Kimball's house. And, I hadn't even cleaned up the party yet. But, I said I would stay with her if they needed me too. But, then he got a little huffy and said, "Nevermind" and took the little girl with him to knock on doors. Which was super weird. But, Matt and I stuck around anyway until another officer arrived. I just didn't feel good about leaving her until someone else was there too. Then, I left the officer with a sippy and a snack bag for her in case she got hungry or thirsty because who knows how long she had been wandering and we went to Momma Kimball's.

About an hour later, we got a call from the officer telling us that they had found her mother. She lived like four blocks west of us and the little girl was supposed to have been watched by her 14 year old older sister. But, this sister was playing on her facebook and neglected to check on her two year old sister for over two hours. She did not discover that the little girl was missing until the mother got home and couldn't find her child. She then called the police and then they were able to return the girl home. It turns out that the reason that she couldn't tell us her name was because her name was Jennevecia. Who gives a child a name that long and doesn't give her a nickname?

Well, I was relieved that she got home safe because I was super anxious about it all even after we left. I just kept thinking that if it were my child, I would be in a state of fear and I would hope that someone would find them and do just what I did; call the police, and take care of my child until they were returned to me.

Now, as for the baby sitting sister that neglected the child, holy cow! If that were my Nicole neglecting her younger sibling, she would be in a world of trouble! But of course, I'm sure that the 14 year old was probably so afraid when she realized that her sister was gone that she probably won't ever do that again. But, I have made a mental note to myself to ban all computer while someone is babysitting my children.  I am glad it all worked out and I am also glad that Marie's car alarm went off so that we could find her.

But, I didn't get to clean up any of the decorations or food or presents from the party until the next day because we went straight to another party and got home late. That was a bummer. I like a clean house. And, I didn't get Matt's help with the clean up because he was at work that night and sleeping the next day. Bummer. But, it could have been worse, at least I didn't lose my child.

What to do When You are Frustrated

Since I started staying home with the kids, I find myself frustrated with them more than I used to be. Since I used to only spend 3 or 4 hours with them a day (not counting the weekends), I felt like I was able to keep my cool and my patience. But, now that I spend every day with them seven days a week without any time away... I find my patience just doesn't last as long as I would like it to.

So, I have been trying to find ways to ease myself out of a frustrated state when the kids are just driving me crazy and won't stop fighting or crying or whining or asking me the same questions again and again.

Here are some of the things that I have found have helped.

I leave the situation that is frustrating me, go in my room for five minutes alone and turn on the tv just for five minutes so that I can calm down. The kids survive the five minutes that they are alone and quarreling with each other. And then I feel a little better and can go back to refereeing and putting kids in time out.

I sew. I go in the laundry room which is now also the office and my sewing room and I work on my quilt for a little while until I feel a little less frustrated with whatever situation that they kids are posing.

I word search. I have a word search app on my tablet and I love to play word search, so sometimes I just pull it out and distract myself. Plus, I'm really good at it so it makes it even more fun.

I do the dishes. Which doesn't really help my frustration so much because then the kids come in the kitchen and try to help which doesn't help and then I get more frustrated... but, the dishes do need to be done... and it does take me away from whatever conflict was occurring and a clean kitchen makes me feel happier, so I do it all the same.

That is all I have come up with so far. What are your techniques for cooling down? Or maybe you all never get frustrated with your kids? Maybe everyone else is a perfect mother who never gets angry and their kids never fight. But I feel like this is all newer to me because I haven't been full time mothering to two kids... ever. I love my kids, I love being home, I love spending time with them... I don't love the fighting and the crying and the noise. I suppose I will either find a better way to deal with frustration, or I will magically develop more patience.

Trauma

Sunday morning the kids and I were at Marie's house because we had spent the night. Nicole was having a bad morning. She refused to eat her breakfast and so I sent her to time out at the bottom of the stairs and went upstairs to pack up our stuff so we could go.

I was at the top of the stairs with a backpack, a purse, a duffle bag, and the portacrib in my hands. It was just then that the shoulder strap on the duffle bag decided to break. I bent down to retrieve the duffle and accidentally dropped the portacrib. It went sailing down the stairs at a speed that I did not think possible. It was like a bobsled going down the bobsleddy slide thing that bobsleds go down.

I grabbed for the playpen, but was too slow. I looked down the stairs in fear and saw both Nicole and Dan at the bottom of the stairs, because Dan was sitting with Nicole while she was in time out.

Being the "awesome" mom that I am and using really dumb logic, I yelled, "Look out! Look out!" knowing that there was nothing else that I could do to save my children from the portacrib sailing down the super steep flight of stairs.

My kids, being the wonderful 3 and 1 year old that they are, look up at me with innocent looks on their faces that say, "What Mama?" Just in time for the portacrib to smack right in to Nicole's face, knocking her off the stairs and onto the wood floor below.

I run down the stairs to my now screaming child. I pick her up, cradle her in my arms and look for injuries, only to see blood all over her face and hair. I have an immediate panic feeling in my chest. I am terrified. I look up to see Marie and Anthon standing there and I say, "I don't know what to do. What do I do?"

Marie and Anthon have calm heads and can actually think logically. Marie presses tissues to Nicole's head so that we can actually see where the blood is coming from. There is a small gash on Nicole's forehead and I panic again. My baby has a gash on her head! I feel like hyperventilating, I feel like crying, I feel guilt, I feel like I need Matt to tell me what to do because this mommy is ill prepared for this situation.

We clean her up, put some gauze on her and Anthon packs up the car so that I can head home. I get home, wake up Matt (because he had just got home from his 12 hour night shift) and have him look at Nicole's head because I am convinced that she need stitches but don't want to go to the emergency room unless I am absolutely sure because our copay is 300 dollars. I think the insurance company has astronomical copays to discourage you from going to the doctor. Evil. Stupid Obamacare.

Matt concurs with my need to go the doctor, but we head to Instacare instead. Matt is more familiar with head wounds than I am since he had them quite a few times as a child.

By this point, Nicole is not crying any more, but rather is ready to play and eating a sucker. Her calmness makes me calmer too. If she is ready to play, there is obviously no lasting damage.

Us at Instacare. We are all still in our pajamas and pacifiers were still in the mouth.

 The doctor looked at Nicole's head and decided that they could glue it shut rather than stitch it. I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew that stitches were going to be awful for her. Thank goodness someone invented skin glue.

Close up and out of focus picture of the gash. It doesn't look like much here, but it was pretty deep and man did it bleed a whole lot.

Dan and Matt at the doctor. Oh yeah, it was a family trip.

Nicole was freaked out by the chair that raised up high at the doctor's office, but other than that, she was a champ. She was convinced that she was going to fall off of the raised chair. Matt stood with her while the doctor glued her head shut and I managed the wild man Dan.

I didn't get an after shot with the glue in it, but it looked really wonky with glue bubbling out of the cut.

Nicole is okay and the cut is healing and hopefully there won't be much of a scar.

I did it, I survived our very first big kid trauma, though I still feel shaken by the whole event. I still feel guilty and my regular mommy worry meter is heightened to high alert.

I know that there are accidents and that kids get hurt, but I don't like it. Can't I just keep them in a bubble where they are safe and happy all the time? Being a parent is hard. If I didn't love my kids so stinking much, then maybe I wouldn't worry so much. But I do, I love them so much, and I worry about them all the time.

Hopefully, the next time this happens I will be calmer, I will know what to do and I will be a better Mommy. Not that I plan to send a portacrib down the stairs toward my children again, but I know that this will not be the last time that they get hurt.

Despite the fact that I am upset by the whole thing, at the same time, I am grateful. I am grateful that she wasn't more hurt. I am grateful that it only hit one of my children. And, as bad as it sounds, I am grateful that it hit the older child and not the younger one. If it had hit Dan, things could have been much worse.

Watching My Tongue

Nicole as a Pirate

So, when Nicole started to parrot everything that I say (like at 18 months), I decided to try and clean up my language a little. I don't swear, and I don't bad talk, but I have been known to say the Mormon swears, "crap," "dangit," "gosh," and "heck."

But, because I still need to say something when I am feeling exasperated or frustrated, I needed some sort of new substitute for my old words. So, I now have, "rats," "goodness," "flibberty gibbit," and "confoundit."

But, one word that I had trouble phasing out was "crap." I just couldn't seem to stop myself from saying it. So, I decided to do it in phases. "Crap" became "Crepe." I would start to say "crap" and would change it after I got out the first two consonants, "Crrrrr......epe." Then, I changed it again, trying to get away from gesticulating about french pastries, "Crrrrrr.....ipe." And then one more time, "Cripes." Which seemed to stick because it sounded old timey and okay.

Then, the other night, Nicole was playing with her toys and something didn't go her way and I heard, "Awwww, cripes!" come out of her mouth. First, it was really cute, and then I realized that despite changing my upset words, I'm still passing on formulation of language to my children. Do I really want my children to have upset words that mean nothing at all except "Blast! I'm upset!" in their speech patterns? No. I hate that I do it. I hate that it is so hard to change the way that I speak, that I have to catch myself and change my words and that I am so used to speaking that way that it is hard to stop. I don't want that for my kids.

So, I will have to find a way to be silent or express myself in multiple words rather than one word speech explosions.

Thoughts on Parenting: Public Etiquette

I've only been a parent for three years and in those many years I have learned one important thing about parenting... it is really hard. Some days I have those moments where the kids are happy, healthy, and fed and I feel like the best mom in the world. Other days, the kids are crying, and I am crying, and no one will eat and I am sure that I am the worst Mom ever.

But, I've also gleaned some knowledge of other things that may be helpful to you other aspiring parents out there. Or, perhaps you will think, "This mommy is crazy!" Either way, you are the one reading MY blog, so you get to hear my opinions.

Public places and kids and sometimes non-mixy. When I take my kids in public (i.e. restaurants and stores) I want them to be on good behavior, I want shopping and eating out to be a stress free experience. But, as everyone knows, kids have bad days, kids are wild, and kids don't listen and every out is not always successful.

When I take the kids out to the store, I sit Dan in the cart and Nicole is suppose to walk beside the cart and hold on to the cart. Ideally, we would walk through the store symbiotically, collect all of our purchases and leave without incident.

But, this is what usually happens... Dan is crying and screaming and trying to get out of the cart and into my arms or onto the ground. He has even figured out how to wriggle out of the cart seat belt. I have tried holding him, but he always wants to escape eventually and then immediately runs away from me. I have tried putting him in the big section of the cart, but then he tries to lift all of our items in the cart and throw them out. It is super fun!

Nicole has gotten a lot better at listening in the store. She used to hide a lot in the store, but she has gotten better at staying with me. Her only problem is that she walks so very slow. She will often be a few steps behind me because she is so slow! I am constantly reminding her to stay with me.

Also, it seems like every time we go to the store Nicole ALWAYS has to go potty. Even if I took her right before we left the house and she hasn't had additional drink. She always has to go when we get to the store. Obviously, I'm glad she is potty trained and tells me when she needs to go, but it is just a little annoying and challenging to take her to the potty with Dan in tow.

One thing that I wish I was better at, but I am not, is controlling my crying children at the store. Sometimes they are so out of control and I am that embarrassing woman with screaming children who are throwing tantrums and I just ignore them and get my shopping done. What I SHOULD be doing is when my children throw a tantrum in the store, I should just leave my purchases and leave the store. I tell my children that if they won't behave in public, then I am just going to take them home, but my follow through stinks. I always finish my shopping and THEN take them home.

Restaurant etiquette is also something that I am trying to teach my children. In a restaurant it is inappropriate to let your children run free and rampant around the restaurant. It is inappropriate to let your child throw food or dump salt over the table or play under the table, or bother other patrons.

When my children attempt to do any of these things, we remove them from the restaurant and take them to the car. They sit in the car for time out and then come back into the restaurant. I think that if I am going to take my children out to eat, they better behave or we just won't go out because it is a privilege.

Sometimes it is really hard when we go out to eat. Dan is bouncing around the booth, and going for the knives and screaming with excitement. Nicole is laying down on the booth and refusing to eat and making a mess with the food and I feel like I am ready to give up. That it just isn't worth it to take the kids anywhere because my kids cannot behave.

But, despite the misbehavior in public places, I try my hardest to teach my children public etiquette. Because if they are never taken out in public, they will never learn how to behave, so I am training them for the future. Or, that is what I tell myself so that I am not always stuck in my house.

Sleep Training Update

So, it has been a little over a month since Matt and I started sleep training with Nicole and I feel like we have FINALLY gotten into a rhythm. The first 3 weeks were awful. Nicole fought us and fought the training and cried... a lot and we had to tweak what we were doing here and there and this is what we finally ended up with that works for us and works for her.

7pm: We start our bedtime routine. No matter what, we try and be home by 7pm so that we can give the kids consistency in bedtime. Obviously, on special occasions we may not get home by 7, but on regular weekdays, this is our goal.

I put both of the kids in a warm bubble bath and then get them out and put them in pajamas.

7:15pm: Get Dan a bottle and put him in his crib. Then, I take Nicole into the bathroom to go potty and brush her teeth.

7:25pm: I take Dan's now empty bottle, give him his pacifier, turn on his mobile, give him his blanky and sing the "night night song" (this is a song that Nicole made up when she was young and we liked it so much it stuck).

7:30pm: Nicole gets exclusive Mommy time because I have been at work all day and she needs time just with me. We will usually snuggle up and watch one of her short shows.

8pm: Prayers, hugs, kisses, and bed.

Some of the things we have changed in the room is that we are now down to one night light, but Nicole now has a lamp clipped to her head board that she can turn on at any time that she needs it. Being scared of the dark was a big thing with her, but there couldn't be too much light in the room or Dan couldn't sleep. So we got this lamp that is clipped to her headboard that doesn't give off much light and she can use it whenever she needs it. It has helped her SO much! She actually doesn't even use it every night. I think the comfort of knowing she CAN turn on a light was all she needed.

8:10pm: Go and check on Nicole and give her kisses. Repeat every 10-15 minutes until she falls asleep. She usually falls asleep between 8:30 and 9pm.

Even though she isn't falling asleep until later in the evening, I don't even care because she is going to sleep by herself and she is no longer crying, coming out, or throwing tantrums.

We started a Bedtime sticker chart to reward her when she had a good bedtime and Nicole just finished it up yesterday.

In case you can't read it, it has our mission statement at the top. She gets a sticker if she:
1. Doesn't cry at bedtime.
2. Doesn't throw up at bedtime.
3. Stays in her room at bedtime.

It took 7 weeks, but she finally filled out the chart with stickers. The reward system works so well with Nicole. She is so much better behaved if she is rewarded for good behavior than if she is reprimanded for bad. Snapping at her for bedtime or yelling at her or taking away her privileges does NOT work, it only makes her escalate.

Instead, we've replaced it with the reward of us checking on her every 10 to 15 minutes if she is good. So, she knows, now that we have had weeks of practicing, that if she is quiet and in her room, we will come in and check on her.

We still get incidents where she will come out because we have waited too long to check on her. One night, she came out of her room and saw Matt and I just laying in bed and said, "Daddy! I wanted you to check on me but you are just lying there. Why aren't you checking on me?" And then she immediately started crying. She was so hurt that Matt was just lying in bed instead of taking the time to check on her. It was a little funny.

Sometimes, Nicole gets a little confused when she wakes up in the morning. She wakes up, thinks no time has passed and it is still night and comes into my room crying, "Mommy, I wanted you to check on me but you never came!" When, in reality, she has just been asleep all night. I just have to remind her that it is morning and I can't check on her while I'm asleep.

So, for finishing her bedtime sticker chart, we took Nicole to the store to pick out a toy. She already knew that she wanted a new puzzle. We got her a box that has four puzzles in it and you can put the puzzle together on the top of the box. I love these puzzles that come with a surface to put them together and a storage place in the box for each puzzle. Whoever invented these is a genius! Nicole loves her new puzzle and she is so good at putting it together. I thought new puzzles would challenge her, but she put them together like she knew where every piece goes. She is just so smart.

One other thing that we have discovered is a big contributer to a happy bedtime is an ample nap. Nicole used to stay up until 10pm at night, so we decided to cut her nap to get her to go to bed earlier, but the more we cut her nap the later she tended to stay up. Our approach seemed logical to me, but after reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, I realize that day time sleep and night time sleep are not created equal.

If we let Nicole nap for 2 hours in the early afternoon, not only is she a happier child at bedtime, but she actually falls asleep faster. Weird how that is. But, because she isn't exhausted at bedtime, she is able to relax and fall asleep more easily. If she has her naptime cut to one hour because we have to wake her up to.... say, go to church, then bedtime is a lot harder. She cries more, she stays up later and it is harder on everyone.

So, we have finally hit our groove! She naps every day in the afternoon for two hours and always starts our bedtime routine at the same time and we have a much happier child and happier parents. It feels like it took forever to get to this point. Hopefully it lasts.

Rascal

I came home from work the other day and Matt was downstairs and I heard Dan upstairs. I went upstairs and heard him in the bathroom, which is not allowed because he gets into everything in there. He loves to unroll the toilet paper. But, when I went in the bathroom, he wasn't getting into the toilet paper... he was standing IN the toilet.

But why is he naked you ask? Because as soon as I saw him splashing and stomping in the toilet, I grabbed him, stripped him and set him in the tub, then I realized that I couldn't let this go without a picture. So, being the awesome mother that I am, I put Dan back in the toilet, much to his delight and then took a picture of him.

I did bathe him after that and sterilize the toilet and the surrounding areas as Dan had splashed toilet water everywhere.

This is proof that I have a boy. This boy is a rascal and gets into everything. He is adventurous and curious and does things that I never had to deal with with Nicole. Nicole was afraid of the toilet until we potty trained. She NEVER would have played in the toilet. Just goes to show that boys are very different from girls.

Night of Horribleness

I am going to call last night the night of horribleness. But, thankfully, it was only lack of sleep horribleness... not vomit horribleness. Though there were some close calls.

Nicole was very emotional yesterday. I think that it was because she was just so tired, but who really knows. I feel like I am playing a guessing game sometimes when it comes to trying to figure out what is wrong with my crying kids.

Last night, she was breaking down, crying about everything, so I put her and Dan to bed (at their regular bedtime). Nicole immediately starts to cry and come out of her room, claiming that she is afraid. I ask her what she is afraid of and she says, "everything." Obviously, she is just trying to get attention. So, I put her back to bed, take Dan out of the room and close the door.

She freaks out screaming and yelling and crying and throwing a fit against her bedroom door. This goes on for 20 minutes until she calms down enough and I open the door. Then, she says she has to go potty, so we go to the toilet and she is sitting on the toilet and starts breaking down again. Screaming and crying right there on the toilet. AH!

I keep telling her to calm down and stop crying and she is freaking out even more and then she starts to cough and gag because she has worked herself up so much that she is on the verge of throwing up! She screams that she is going to throw up, opens the toilet and begins to gag herself.

I had had enough! She is forcing herself to freak out for reasons unknown. And, it has escalated to the point where she literally does not know how to calm down. She looks at me with a look of panic in her eyes and cries, "Mommy, I don't know how to stop crying? I can't do it!"

I put her face between my hands and say, "breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out," and I make her breath with me until she calms down enough that she is no longer gasping for breath and gagging herself. Matt then took her into her bedroom and talked to her and calmed her down some more and she finally fell asleep!

I put Dan back to bed and both kids finally fell asleep.... until 1am. Nicole comes into our room crying for unknown reasons and lays on our floor for an hour, crying, and talking and having to go potty twice. Ugh! Finally, Matt convinces her to go back to her own bed and brings Dan into our room because we both know that she is going to cry and wake him up if we don't. And she does cry, and even though he is one room away, she does wake him up!

So, now we have two kids awake. But, Matt and I calm them both down and we have Nicole in her own bed and Dan in the play pen in our room and we are just trying to fall back asleep. But, it seemed like every time that I started to drift off, one of them would start crying again.

Nicole fell asleep again, and I put Dan back in his bed and he wasn't sleeping. So I get him a bottle don't ask me what time that was, I don't remember. Dan eventually falls asleep. I drift back off to sleep and... Nicole is back, crying again. Awake... AGAIN! I have no idea what is going on with this girl! I know she was tired, but she just won't stay asleep.

A trip to the potty and back to bed and she falls back asleep again. Luckily, that is the end of this horrific tale until I heard my alarm at 6am. And then it was up and off to work for me.

Please let this be a phase. Oh please oh please. Sometimes I feel so helpless when it comes to the kids. They can't express what is really wrong with them, they are just so little and express themselves with crying and I have to try and interpret what is wrong. I hope today is better than yesterday.

One Sticker Chart Down

We have been doing a sticker chart with Nicole. She earns stickers when she is a: Kind friend, Good eater, Good sharer, Good listener, or Happy girl. I made the chart kinda big, probably too big, so we decided to have her reward be a new play cell phone since her old one broke and she was really sad about it.

Well, after a lot of work and stickers, she finally earned her new cell phone. Here she is with her cell phone and the sticker chart is on the fridge behind her.

Thoughts on Parenting: Allowance

Nicole is turning three soon and I started to think about allowance. Right now, she doesn't get an allowance. She gets spare change that we find around and puts it in her piggy bank that we used to use as an incentive system for eating. The pig stopped working as incentive, so now she just puts money in it when she finds it, but she never takes the money out and certainly doesn't spend it.

Here is what I figure... We give Nicole everything that she needs: food, snacks, clothes, toys, and entertainment. Why would a three year old need to purchase things above and beyond what I am already providing her. She has everything she needs, and she gets a lot of the things she wants because I think we spoil her a little too much, what else would she really get? Does she really need an allowance yet?

When I was a kid, I got $5 a month for allowance. I would earn this allowance by doing a weekly chore that rotated among the seven of us kids and I was required to clean my room and do my laundry. With 7 kids, my mom couldn't be doing all the laundry for us. I think I learned to do laundry as soon as I was tall enough to put it in the washer. Like 9 years old or something.

Now a days, kids are getting a weekly or even daily rate of allowance. I realize that there is inflation and perhaps the times have changed and I'm just being a fuddy duddy, but really, what can the kid possibly need that they don't already have provided for them? Do 8 year olds really need to be making $30 dollars a month?

When I was a kid, Johnny and Sarah would get their allowance, take out tithing and immediately walk to the local store or pharmacy and spend all of the money on candy and soda. I don't want Nicoley spending her money on sweets and junk food. She doesn't even get candy unless it is a holiday. We do not keep candy in the house. She gets snacks like granola bars, juice boxes and goldfish crackers, but she is already doomed with bad teeth, she doesn't need candy.

I remember being a kid... well, I remember being 9 years old, don't ask me to remember before that, it was too long ago. And, I remember wanting candy and sweets and useless toys that I would get sick of in three seconds, but being a parent changes my perspective. I want Nicoley and Dan to crave experiences... not just instant gratification.

If I started Nicoley on an allowance, I think I would direct her to what she was saving up to... like a trip to the Discovery Museum, or a day at Kangaroo Zoo. Then, she would learn that those things cost money and she earned that experience. Maybe I am living in a fantasy world of what Nicoley should be and want that doesn't exist... but, she is only 3... so I can dream.

Right now, we have a sticker chart reward system that seems to be working really well. She gets stickers when she is a Kind Friend, a Good Sharer, a Good Eater, a Good Helper, and a Good Listener. Those are the things we are really working on right now and her reward is a sticker on her chart. We have told her that when she finishes her chart, she will get a new play cellphone since her last one broke. I feel like this reward system works for right now and she really works hard towards those stickers. She sometimes asks what she can do to get another sticker on her chart, so I find things for her to help with to earn a sticker. This is similar to allowance right? Because allowance is... or should be just a reward system right?

I think that for now, Nicole (and Dan when he is ready) will stick with the sticker chart reward and we will forgo allowance for a couple more years. She doesn't even understand what money is or what it means yet and I think I will put that lesson off for now.

Yesterday, Nicole asked Matt, "Where is Mommy?"
Matt responded, "She's at work making money."
Nicole replied, "With paper?"
Matt, "... Yes."

That is how little she understands about money. I think I will keep her innocence for right now.

Thoughts on Parenting

Every one parents in their own way. I know this. But, I thought that maybe I might share some of MY thoughts on parenting. I'm not saying my thoughts are right, it is just the way that I do things.

Yesterday I was watching a clip from the "View." I don't normally do this because the "View" is lame. But, they had a guest, Mayim Bialik, that I wanted to see, so I decided to watch her segment. Apparently, she has some...extreme views on parenting. She even wrote a book on what she calls "Attachment Parenting."

One of the things that she talked about was the "family bed." The family bed, if you don't know is when families (parents and children) all sleep in the same bed. This is also called co-sleeping. In her family, she sleeps in a bed with her 3 year old son and her husband sleeps in a bed with their 6 year old son and that is their sleeping arrangement. I also know of families that have their children sleep in their king size bed with them until they are well into their childhood (up to 6 years old).

Now is the part where I tell you what I think. Feel free to be offended. This lady is crazy! Sleeping in the bed with your child? Not even having at bed for you and your husband? This is crazy! This is putting your children first and your marriage second. Allowing children in your bed, or spending every night in their bed totally steps on the toes of marriage.

Here is how we do it in my house:
1. God/Gospel
2. Marriage/Spouse
3. Kids

When Nicole was first born, Matt told me that he did not want babies in our bed. He wanted our bed to be our space and kids could have a space to themselves. I felt like that was a reasonable request and we did not let Nicoley sleep in our bed. She slept in her bed. She could sit on the bed with us while we were all awake and I, of course, nursed her in the bed all the time, but when it came to sleeping, the bed was for us. We established a system when she got older and would come into our room in the middle of the night that she could lay on the floor next to our bed if she had a nightmare or was sick and just wanted to be close to us, but she did not sleep in our bed. Which is really for the best because she is a wiggler! She wiggles and shifts and lays sideways and is a total bed hog.

When Dan was born, I had a bit of baby withdrawls because I did not get to spend every day with Dan because I was working and I was super exhausted because I had to feed Dan during the night and still get up at 7am to get to work on time. So, I cheated on our no bed rules a little with Dan. When he woke up for a feeding, I would lay him on the bed next to me and nurse him and then I would fall back asleep and he would fall asleep and he ended up spending a bit of each night in our bed. I would eventually wake up and put him back in his crib though.

But, for Matt, this haunted him. Whenever Dan slept in our bed, Matt had a fear that he would roll over on Dan or that Dan would fall off the bed. He would have nightmares about it and start talking to me in his sleep and telling me to "Get the baby before he falls off!" Or, he would grab me and try to pull me toward the center of the bed to prevent ME from falling. Truth: he still does this and it wakes me up and drives me crazy; I'm not the baby! So, this was an added problem with co-sleeping.

When Dan stopped nursing, he stopped sleeping in our bed because there was no reason. And, as night time feedings decreased, he never was in our bed at night. Also, I found that Dan (and us) slept so much better when he was in his own crib at night.

I was watching Nanny 911 one time and the parent's laid in their children's beds with them until they fell asleep... every night, AND, they let their three year old sleep in the bed with them. Nanny explained to the parents that they were facilitating a co-dependency with their children. That their children were reliant upon the parent's to fall asleep. What happens when they become a teenager and have never fallen asleep in their bed by themselves? What then? Still sleep in the bed with the kid? Also, having one child sleep in the parent's bed created a rivalry with all the other children. The children felt the youngest child was the favorite.

I totally agree. Sleeping with the child every night creates a co-dependency. Aren't we trying to teach our children to be independent? To do things for themselves so they can be productive and normal adults someday? How does sleeping in the same bed with them help them to be independent? I think a parent who sleeps in a child's bed every night is not for the child's sake but for the parent's. The parent is being selfish and trying to fulfill their own bonding needs. Here's a tip, bond with your spouse more and your kids less when you are asleep.

Now, onto what I think co-sleeping does to a marriage. I'm just gonna say it... if you have a kid in the bed, there is no way for you to go making new kids and that is an important part of marriage. The bed is the place for me and my husband. It is our space to be free from the children and have time together where we are not mommy and daddy, but husband and wife.

Often times, Matt and I don't get a lot of time together between me working all day and him going to school at nights. Additionally, when we are together, we are tag team parenting and taking care of the kids. All our focus is on the children; getting them fed, dressed, keeping them entertained, and happy. So, when the kids go to bed, that is finally the time where we can talk, catch up on how we are doing, and be married. I feel like this is vital to my marriage.

I'm not saying that my way is right and family beds are wrong. I'm just saying that I think family beds (as in sleeping all together EVERY NIGHT) is insanity. I realize that there are times where parent's let the kids into the bed when they are scared or sick, but to have it be a recurring theme is just crazy, it can't be good for the child or the marriage.

Mother's Intuition

Yesterday Dan was sitting on the couch next to me. Then, Anne said something about Olivia being really tired. I look over at Dan and he looks really tired too. I say, "Dan is really tired too, he is falling asleep right now."

And then, right as I said that, his head fell and he fell asleep. He, of course, jerked up his head in reaction to falling asleep while sitting up. It was like I had magical mommy knowledge because he fell asleep right as I said he was falling asleep!

Being a good mommy, I picked him up and let him rest his head so that he could actually sleep without his head dropping. I must have mother's intuition right? I'm amazing! I wish we had had a camera rolling while this happened though because it was really funny.

Full of Excuses

Nicole is the queen of excuses to not fall asleep. Every night we play the game of putting her to bed, her coming out with some excuse and then putting her back to bed. We put her back to bed about 5 times a night. Here are a few of the excuses that Nicole has come up with for getting out of bed.

• I need a drink. (We keep a sippy next to her bed to remedy this one)
• I need to throw up. (We keep a throw up bowl next to her bed for this one. Only once has she actually needed this one.)
• I need to go potty. (This one is totally legit and we let her go as many times as she wants. Don't want accidents in the bed!)
• I miss you. (Hard to resist this one!)
• I need a song.
• I need a book.
• I need a show.
• I'm hungry. (To which we always respond that she should have eaten more at dinner.)
• I'm scared. (She has two night lights and a stuffed seahorse that lights up AND she had Dan's mobile in her room now.)
• I love you!
• I need to sleep on your floor. (We let her sleep on the floor of our bedroom when she wakes up in the middle of the night. She thinks she should sleep there all the time.)
• I need to say prayers.
• I need to brush my teeth.
• I need to brush my hair.
• I need a clip (in her hair).
• I need my pacifier. (Yes, she is still using a pacifier at night. She usually hides it and then comes crying that she has lost it, even though she knows exactly where it is.)
• I need my kitty/ducky/hippo/rhino/bear/Kailan.
• I need Dan.
• I have itchies.
• My legs hurt.
• My bum hurts.

And, last night, I guess she had run out of excuses because she came into our room and I said, "What do you need?" and she said, "I need something." And then, she ran back to her room crying.

Yes or No?

Situation 1

Me: Nicole, will you take this bite (of delicious dinner that I made).
Nicole: No
Me: Nicole, can you stop saying, "No"? I like it when you say, "Yes," it makes me happy.
Nicole: Yes?
Me: Yes.
Nicole: Yes! *takes bite*

Situation 2

Nicole: Mommy, can I have a sucker?
Me: No.
Nicole: Mommy, stop saying, "No," you need to say, "Yes."
Me: *sigh* Yes.

Situation 3

Nicole: Mommy, can I feed Dan?
Me: No.
Nicole: You said, "No"? *cries and throws fit* Daddy, mommy said, "No!"
Matt: Yep, she did.
Me: Nicole, the answer is no, you can't feed Dan, he's just a baby, he can't eat that.
*continued crying*
Me: Time out.

Situation 4

Nicole: Mommy, can I have a graham cracker?
Me: Yes.
Nicole: The answer is yes?
Me: Yes.
Nicole: Get it for me!

Situation 5

Nicole: I went potty, do I get a candy?
Me: Yes, but we have to wash hands first.
Nicole: I don't get a candy? *cries*
Me: Yes, you do, but you need to wash hands.
Nicole: I don't need to wash hands.
Me: Yes you do.
Nicole: The answer is No?
Me: The answer is Yes!
*finally washes hands, followed by candy*

Situation 6

Nicole: Mommy, I da da watch the food cook.
Me: No, Nicole, it is too hot at the stove.
Nicole: Mommy said, "NO!" *cries*
Nicole: Daddy, I da da watch the food cook.
Matt: No, it is too hot at the stove, you will get burned.
Nicole: Daddy said, "NO!" *cries harder*


I'm starting to hate the word "No."

I'm a Mommy!

Nicole came to me last night and said, "I'm a mommy."

Me: "Oh yeah? You're a mommy?"

Nicole: "Yup. Where are my brets?"

Me: "Where are your whats? Your barrets?"

Nicole: "No, my brests? I forgot them."

Me: "Your wrists? Your breath?"

Nicole (getting upset): "No, my brests!"

Me (still not getting it): "Okay, I don't know where they are, where are they?"

Nicole: "Upstairs in your closet."

Me: "Okay, lets go and find them."

(upstairs in my closet)

Me: "Okay, where are they?"

Nicole (pointing to one of my shirts): "Right there, my brests. I'm a mommy."

Finally, I realize that she has been saying "breasts" this whole time and she thinks that being a mommy means having breasts and that breasts are in my shirt. So, if she puts on my shirt, she will have breasts.

Me: "Oh, sweetheart, you're a little girl, you don't have breasts yet."

Nicole bursts into tears.

Nicole: "I need my brests!"

Me: "Nicoley, you are just a little girl, but someday you will have breasts and someday you will be a mommy."

This did not seem to console her. So, I held her and sang songs to her while she cried about not having breasts.

Mommy Guilt

So, I took the advice of Moms who read my blog and I got the safety handles for Nicole's room so that when we put her in her room, she stays in her room. Bedtimes last week were just awful because I would spend an hour just repeatedly putting her back in her room. So, we got the handles on Saturday and it worked beautifully!

We gave her three warnings to stay in her room before we shut the door and then she threw a big fit and fell asleep. Awesome. Last night, we went through the same thing. Three warnings, then we shut the door. But, the third time that she came out of her room, she asked for her throw-up bowl. She does this a lot! Every night she comes up with new excuses to try and get our attention and get us to come into her room. Most of the time, she lies to us about poopy diapers that do not exist.

But, we always listen to her and check for poos when she says she has them and give her a flashlight when she insists that her room is scary (she already has two night lights). So, last night, Matt got her throw-up bowl and put it next to her bed. But, that was her third time out of her room, so we shut the door. She threw a fit, like she had the night before and then she fell asleep.

Matt went into check on her after she fell asleep and left her door open after he checked (like we always do). I like her door to be open during the night so that if she needs me, she can get to me. This morning, after feeding the baby and then showering, I was getting dressed when I heard Nicole start crying. I went into her room to calm her and I immediately smelled vomit. Great.

I asked Nicole if she threw up and she said yes. The bed smelled like vomit, she smelled like vomit, but I couldn't find the vomit. I know she told me she had, but sometimes Nicole just answers yes to questions because we tell her not to say, "no" to mommy (because she tells me no all the time when I ask her to eat her food or lay down for a diaper change).

I took her to my room and laid her on a pillow on the floor. Then I stripped the bed, searching for the vomit. I put the bedding in the washer, then returned to her room, determined to find the vomit so that I could believe that I am not just a crazy person who smells vomit everywhere. Finally, I check the throw up bowl (you'd think I would have looked there first right? No!) and there it was. My big girl was telling the truth last night, she really was sick to her stomach and she responsibly asked for a throw up bowl and then threw up in the bowl like a big girl!

I immediately had Mommy guilt. She was telling me the truth and I didn't believe her because she has lied about throwing up so many times before! I should have believed her! I locked her in her room when she was sick and she really needed me. I didn't check on her in the night to make sure she was okay, my Mommy senses weren't working and I didn't know that she was really sick. Guilt!

Matt swears that when he checked on her after she fell asleep that he didn't smell any vomit, so it must have happened in the middle of the night. I'm impressed that she actually made it into the bowl. She has never done that on her own before.  Usually she just vomits wherever she is. Then, she was apologizing to me this morning when I was stripping her bed, "I'm sorry Mommy." Break my heart! More guilt.

She is doing okay. Matt got her into the bath this morning as I was leaving for work and she was in good spirits, but I wish I were there to take care of her. Matt will take awesome care of her, he is a good Daddy and loves that little girl so much, but I wish that I could be a good Mommy and redeem myself for leaving her alone last night by caring for her every need today.

Darn you Mommy guilt!

Missing My Kids

I see my kids every day. I get to see them from 4:30pm until 9pm everyday. I get to see them even more on the weekends, but I still find myself missing my kids. Even when Nicole is driving me crazy because she won't stop taking the dirty dishes out of the dishwasher, I still love her to death and would rather be with her than anywhere else. I seriously love my two kids. So, everyday, when I have to go to work, I find myself missing them very much.

Before I had kids, I didn't even really like kids. They are annoying and sticky and loud and messy. But, then I had my beautiful Nicole and I fell in love with her big brown eyes and her sweet little voice. And then I had Dan and I fell in love with his baby comb over and his chubby knees. I didn't know I could love two kids so much. I love them so much that I sacrifice everything for them. All my actions are, in some way, to serve them.

I go to work everyday so that they can have a house to live in and food to eat and clothes to wear. I go home everyday and spend my time feeding them, bathing them, playing with them. And then I do it all over again the next day. And I would do it forever because I love my kids that much. But, I miss them. I want to squish their little cheeks and see them grow and learn, but I'm a working Mom, so I miss a lot.

I didn't realize how fast kids grow until I started working and the time seemed to fly by. I swear that I was just barely pregnant with Dan, and now he is six months old (today). So, I shall savor my time with them. Stare into their cute chubby faces and treasure my moments with them. And kiss them nine times so that they know how much their mommy loves them.

Why Do You Hate Your Parents?

I'm starting to think that my children hate us. The past two nights have been awful! Two nights ago, Daniel woke up crying 30 minutes after we put him to bed. He cried for what seemed like forever with no reason that I could see. Matt shielded me from this and he took care of the baby so that I could sleep so that I could work.

Nicole, two nights ago, would not stay in her bedroom at bed time. She repeatedly came out of bed and into our room and we just kept putting her back every time and explained to her that it was bedtime and time to stay in her room. She wouldn't stop and we eventually had to lock our door so that she would stop coming into our room. We can't really lock her in her own room because the lock is on the inside and then she would be locked in there forever. And that would be bad.

Last night, we had the same Nicole situation and had to lock her out again. She has no interest in wandering the house or anything like that, she just wants to be in our room at bedtime. Perhaps this is because Dan sleeps in our room and she does not. But, when we attempted to have Dan sleep in her room, it was a disaster. They would not stop playing at it was 10:30pm before we finally separated them and got some sleep.

So, Dan and Nicole were both really naughty last night. Matt let me go to bed at 10:30pm, but he stayed up putting Nicole back into her room until 2am! At which time, Dan also woke up and started crying. Kids! They think day is sleeping time and night is awake time. I chipped in and helped at 2am so that Matt could sleep. I finally got both kids back asleep at 3:30am. Then, I went back to bed.

Dan woke up at 6:30am. Nicole woke at 6:45am. Just awesome... I bet they are going to take a long nap today. Maybe I just need to put them both in the same room and try it again and bear through a few nights of staying up late until the novelty wears off and then they learn to go to sleep together easily.

Bloody Nose

Yesterday, Matt was letting me take a nap while he played with Nicole. I awoke to Matt exclaiming, "There's blood all over you!" I jumped out of bed and was on my way downstairs when he called out, "It is okay, it is just a bloody nose."

I grabbed a ton of toilet paper and raced downstairs. Nicole was sitting on the stairs to the downstairs with her face turned away from me. Matt prepared me with, "It's okay, it is just a bloody nose."

Nicole turned her face and it was like a horror film! Her face was covered in blood. Not just below her nose, but all over her cheeks and chin and on her eyes and in her hair and down the front of her. I quickly covered it up with my handful of toilet paper because my heart was racing and I was starting to panic. I don't care who you are, if you see your child covered in their own blood, even if you know that it is a nose bleed, you freak out a little.

Matt got her up to the bath while I caught my breath and then I started cleaning blood out of her clothes and her blanket and her ugly bear (a post on the bear another time). She was fine and bleeding stopped after a few minutes but man was my heart a racing.

Apparently, she was just sitting quietly on the stairs while her nose bled and she tried to wipe the blood on things like her face and her blanket and her dress. And, once Matt had noticed, it had gotten a little out of hand. She didn't say anything, she was completely silent about it. Probably because she didn't know what was going on.

This whole ordeal reminded me of when I was watching Norm and Rand's kids at my house. I saw Tommy rubbing his face on the carpet and I thought, "Why is he doing that?" Then, he looked up at me and he was covered in blood. He had gotten a bloody nose and was trying to wipe off the blood and thought the carpet was the perfect place to do that. Silly kids. Don't worry, the blood came out of the carpet.

Well, it was Nicole's first bloody nose and we suspected it was because it is starting to get really dry right now and she cannot keep her fingers out of her nose. So, we turned on the humidifier in her room last night to prevent further bloody noses. This was a bad idea.

Any time we change something in her room (like get her a new night light) she has trouble sleeping. She does not like change and this was a loud, wind blowing humidifier. She woke up four times between 9pm and 1am. Then, at 1:30am, I figured out that she was afraid of the humidifier, so I turned it off. But, the damage was done and she was still very scared. She was awake until 3am, when I finally turned on a movie in her room because she just couldn't sleep and I felt bad for her. I realized how scared she was when I turned on her dvd player and the internal fan turned on and she freaked out, "Oh no, oh no! The fan is on again Mommy!" In her high-pitched, freaked-out voice.

I went back to bed at this point. at 4:30am, when the movie finished, she came into my room to tell me that it was over. I walked her back to her room, turned off the dvd player and put her back to bed. I sat with her for a little while and she finally went to sleep around 5am. Ugh! She is most likely sleeping in right now.

But, because I have two children, a mommy's work is never done. Though I went back to bed, Daniel woke up at 6:30am for his feeding. But, I had to get up anyway to get to work.

Needless to say, I am tired. And, we need a quieter humidifier.