Monday, October 17, 2011

Mommy Guilt

So, I took the advice of Moms who read my blog and I got the safety handles for Nicole's room so that when we put her in her room, she stays in her room. Bedtimes last week were just awful because I would spend an hour just repeatedly putting her back in her room. So, we got the handles on Saturday and it worked beautifully!

We gave her three warnings to stay in her room before we shut the door and then she threw a big fit and fell asleep. Awesome. Last night, we went through the same thing. Three warnings, then we shut the door. But, the third time that she came out of her room, she asked for her throw-up bowl. She does this a lot! Every night she comes up with new excuses to try and get our attention and get us to come into her room. Most of the time, she lies to us about poopy diapers that do not exist.

But, we always listen to her and check for poos when she says she has them and give her a flashlight when she insists that her room is scary (she already has two night lights). So, last night, Matt got her throw-up bowl and put it next to her bed. But, that was her third time out of her room, so we shut the door. She threw a fit, like she had the night before and then she fell asleep.

Matt went into check on her after she fell asleep and left her door open after he checked (like we always do). I like her door to be open during the night so that if she needs me, she can get to me. This morning, after feeding the baby and then showering, I was getting dressed when I heard Nicole start crying. I went into her room to calm her and I immediately smelled vomit. Great.

I asked Nicole if she threw up and she said yes. The bed smelled like vomit, she smelled like vomit, but I couldn't find the vomit. I know she told me she had, but sometimes Nicole just answers yes to questions because we tell her not to say, "no" to mommy (because she tells me no all the time when I ask her to eat her food or lay down for a diaper change).

I took her to my room and laid her on a pillow on the floor. Then I stripped the bed, searching for the vomit. I put the bedding in the washer, then returned to her room, determined to find the vomit so that I could believe that I am not just a crazy person who smells vomit everywhere. Finally, I check the throw up bowl (you'd think I would have looked there first right? No!) and there it was. My big girl was telling the truth last night, she really was sick to her stomach and she responsibly asked for a throw up bowl and then threw up in the bowl like a big girl!

I immediately had Mommy guilt. She was telling me the truth and I didn't believe her because she has lied about throwing up so many times before! I should have believed her! I locked her in her room when she was sick and she really needed me. I didn't check on her in the night to make sure she was okay, my Mommy senses weren't working and I didn't know that she was really sick. Guilt!

Matt swears that when he checked on her after she fell asleep that he didn't smell any vomit, so it must have happened in the middle of the night. I'm impressed that she actually made it into the bowl. She has never done that on her own before.  Usually she just vomits wherever she is. Then, she was apologizing to me this morning when I was stripping her bed, "I'm sorry Mommy." Break my heart! More guilt.

She is doing okay. Matt got her into the bath this morning as I was leaving for work and she was in good spirits, but I wish I were there to take care of her. Matt will take awesome care of her, he is a good Daddy and loves that little girl so much, but I wish that I could be a good Mommy and redeem myself for leaving her alone last night by caring for her every need today.

Darn you Mommy guilt!


Sarah said...

There's no way you could have known since she lies all the time. I'm sure she was okay. It always feels better after you throw up, so I bet she just threw up and went right to sleep. Good thing there was a bowl though.

Marie said...

I'm shocked she threw up in the bowl! Maybe she knew the only way to get you to continue to give her things when she's supposed to be in bed is to make her request real, so she made herself throw up. Now you will give her more chances each night, won't you. She's a crafty one.

Lisa said...

I understand feeling guilty. But Sarah is right, if Nicole lies about throwing up all the time, there's no way you could have known that this time she was telling the truth. This could be a good lesson opportunity for her about lying and telling the truth. Is she too young for that?

Laura said...

Yes, she is too young to understand truth and lies. That ability comes in a few years. Becky, it is not your fault. As intuitive as we mothers are most of the time, we can't know everything about our children 100% of the time. You are a good mother. Let go of the guilt. Nicole is a great kid, she is learning life lessons at the knees of her good parents. She knows that you love her and that you want what's best for her. But like any kid, she will try her best to get what she thinks that she wants. Letting any kid have whatever they want doesn't do them any favors. We all have boundaries. It is all a learning process for you and her. Keep doing what you are doing. You are good parents. Nicole is lucky to have you.

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